Just keep breathing

Chapter 36

"Katie? Babe? It's Mel. Please let me in."
I don't respond.

"It's just me, Katie. Harry's upstairs. Please?"

I force myself to find the strength to stand and unlock the door. I can't bring myself to look at Mel though and slide myself back down to the floor.

Without a word, she wraps her arms around me and pulls me into her chest. I can't cry any more. There aren't any tears left in me, so I just let her hold me, she passes me an inhaler which I use gratefully, sucking the air into my lungs greedily.

"Katie. You know I don't want to push you, you know I never have, but babe, you're going to have to tell us your side of this. I know that scumbag wasn't telling the truth, but you are going to have to fill in the blanks for me. And..." She stops and sighs.

"You're going to have to tell Harry something. Even if it's not everything, he needs an explanation. He needs to understand. This affects him too."

Slowly she releases her hold on me and stands, stretching out her cramped limbs and going to sit on the closed toilet seat.

"I can't Mel." I manage to say. "I can't relive it. I just can't."

"You have to babe. Please. Be brave. Just talk to me. You know I am not going to judge you. I'll still be your best friend when we walk out of this bathroom. But I need to hear your side of this. I need to understand."

I put my inhaler to my lips and take another puff. Dragging the medicine down into my lungs with a wheeze, and focus my gaze on a painting hanging on the wall, it depicts a black and white beach, a wave crashing against a small pile of rocks jutting out into the sea.

I try and let the image calm me as I begin to speak, deciding to start from the beginning despite knowing that Mel already knows some of this. It's the only way I can think of to do it.

"I met Michael when I was eighteen, that much of the article was true. And yes, we moved in together less than a year later. He has two beautiful little girls, Maria and Anna. They were just babies at the time. We had them stay with us every weekend, and I loved them to pieces.

You know I've never been a drinker, even when I first met you, and I was already living with him by then. For a while, I went on an odd night out with you guys, but then I started to make excuses, I was busy with the kids, I didn't feel well, I had no money, whatever came to mind. Michael didn't like me going out. Said you were bad influences on me, that if it weren't for you all, I would have been a much better person. Said it was best for me to stay home with him, let him help me, show me where I'd been going wrong. Make me better.

Soon he said I shouldn't work either. Should let him take care of me. So I quit my job."

"A few months after that, we got engaged. But then he started spending more and more time in the pub. It would be ME bathing the kids, ME putting them to bed and trying to keep HIM quiet when HE came home, so he didn't wake them. Not him.

Not like he said in that damn article. He started bringing his friends back when the pub closed. They'd sit in our living room and continue to drink all night. Soon though, drink wasn't enough, so they started taking drugs too. I tried to talk to him about it, but he would get SO angry."

"The first time he hit me, he seemed so sorry afterwards. Said it was just that he had been drinking, that he'd never hurt me when he was sober, promised to stop. But he didn't. Soon I just tried to keep out of his way as much as I could when he was like that. But the girls were often there, and I didn't want him to take his anger out on them... So sometimes I had to distract him. Keep his attention on me, give him an outlet for his anger." I hear Mel gasp at this, but I carry on, knowing that if I stop now, I won't be able to start again.

"When we found out we were pregnant, he swore he would stop. That was it, that he wanted the baby too much to risk hurting her or me. And he did, from the day we found out he was 'my' Michael again.

He was loving and kind and caring. He came to every doctor's appointment, he cried at the scans, and when we heard her little heart beating for the first time," I pause watching images of that day play through my mind.

"It's ok, Katie. I'm right here. You're safe." Mel says, and I feel her reach down to take my hand. I take a steadying breath and push on.

"One night, he didn't come home after work. It was three am when he finally stumbled in the door. I had fallen asleep on the sofa, but I woke up when he slammed the front door, it made me jump, and I knocked over a glass. It smashed. He came in and saw, and he just got so angry.

Even angrier than I'd ever seen him. I could see he was drunk and high. I was so scared. And I wanted to protect the baby, so I tried to run. I got to the front door and swung it open, but he was right behind me. There was this metal staircase outside, and I... I..." I trail off, unable to finish my sentence.

"We went to the hospital, but it was too late. She was already gone; there was nothing they could do. They let me go home two days later. And whilst he was at work, I packed up what I could carry, and that's when I came to you."

I can hear Mel sobbing quietly next to me as she asks

"Why didn't you ever tell me? I'm your best friend! How could I not have known? All those times you said you fell or walked into a door when you had cuts and bruises, I just thought you were really clumsy... I had no idea... Katie, I am so sorry!" She croaks, throwing her arms around me.

"I didn't tell anyone. I can't tell him." I say into her shoulder. "I can't tell Harry."

"You have to tell him something, Katie. You can't have him believing what that monster said about you. He needs to know the truth. He deserves to know," She finishes quietly pulling away from me.

For the first time, she forces me to look into her eyes.

"I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you, but you have to say something to him. I'll be right here for you. I promise."

I nod and pull myself up. If I have to do this, it has to be now, I think. I can't allow myself to get over reliving it once, just to have to do it again. As I reach for the door handle, Mel gives me a final hug.

"I love you. I'll be right in the living room if you need me, ok?" She says as she releases me. I turn and open the door and make my way upstairs to find Harry.