The Definition of Fate

Chapter 20

The choice was once
your choosing,
before losing

became my loss.

I was there in

your forgetting--
until I was forgot.

- Lang Leav

"Why are you so nervous?" I ask myself while staring in the mirror. I tuck a curl behind my ear and then untuck it again.

Josh. Of course that's why I'm nervous. When I invited Josh and Ellie to come to our game night, I didn't think through how anxious it would make me to welcome him into my life and spend an evening acting like everything's okay when we all know it's not. We haven't even talked about our shared past, only alluded to it in vague references. I yank at the waistband of my capris to make sure they cover the extra fat around my waist and straighten the soft cotton t-shirt I wear. I considered wearing a dress, but I thought better of that when I realized I might have to sit on the floor while we play games. I get way too competitive to have to worry about modesty while I kick butt in Monopoly.

"Rachel, people are here!" Hina calls.

"Coming!" I exit the bathroom and take a deep breath.

We're just two old friends who are hanging out. There are going to be quite a few other people as well, and there's always Ellie to act as a buffer. The problem is when Josh is around, I tend to forget anyone else exists.

As I enter the living room, Hina opens the door and welcomes in two girls and a guy, friends of hers from her many freelance jobs. She offers them red velvet cupcakes and gooey macadamia nut cookies while making hurried introductions. I smile and nod to the newcomers but step to the window as soon as I can escape. Where is he?

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I see fifteen texts from Ellie narrating their drive to the apartment. The most recent text says We're here! Where are you? Through the window, I see an army green Jeep pull up to the curb and Ellie hops out, her blonde waves bouncing on her shoulders. I feel a pang of sadness when I realize that Josh doesn't drive his old red truck anymore. We had so many memories in that thing, but like so many of those memories, the truck is in the past.

"Josh and Ellie are here," I tell Chloe. "I'm going to go let them in."

Chloe raises a sharp eyebrow at me but says nothing. She was skeptical when I told her Josh was coming to the game night, and even though I know she only has my best interests in mind, I can take care of myself. Probably. Maybe.

I leave the apartment and clamber down the stairs, my heart pounding in my chest. Our previous encounters have all been coincidental, but this is intentional, a step towards reconciliation, a step towards the future.

"Hey, guys," I say as I open the door. Josh and Ellie turn to me and they both smile. "I'm so glad you could make it."

"Hi!" Ellie exclaims and wraps me in a hug. "This street is so cute! What about your apartment? I bet it's adorable. You probably have it decorated super cute. I can't wait till I can decorate my own apartment."

When I turn to Josh, my heart goes offbeat, pumping erratically, and his presence drowns out Ellie's chatter. He smiles at me fully, his iridescent blue eyes disappearing in crescent moons. For a moment, I see his nerves as he runs a hand through his dark hair that's grown long and unruly since his college days. Then his smile glows white against his dark beard and he steps toward me. Before I can react, his arms reach around me and he pulls me to his chest in a hug. My head falls into the crook of his neck as I reach around him and hold him against me. He's warm and safe and strong like he's always been, and my body surrenders to his in seconds, to his familiarity, to our history. He feels like home.