The Definition of Fate

Chapter 36 - Part 1

late at night
I ran my fingers
across his book
and asked my heart
what it felt.

it beat
home.

home.

home.

- Warsan Shire

Instead of screaming or cries of agony, I hear only stunned silence when I tell my family I'm with Josh again. I can picture their faces in my mind's eye: eyes wide, mouths hanging open, eyebrows high. I've disappointed them again.

"Mom? Dad? Say something."

Dad recovers first. "Josh? Josh...from college?" His voice aches of disbelief, breathy and soft.

"Yeah. We, uh, he lives here, and we reconnected. He's different, I swear."
Mom snorts, her voice icy. "He's different because you want him to be. I can't believe you, Rachel. After everything he did to you, you're getting sucked right back in?"

Hot indignation rises from my chest. "Mom, stop." My voice breaks. "I'm not blinded by my feelings. Josh owns and runs his own camp now and he supports his mom and his sister. He's grown up and matured and it's different this time."

"What's wrong with you?" she spits, her voice as acerbic as her words.

I flinch and nearly drop the phone. What's wrong with me? Haven't I asked myself that very question a thousand times? Why can't I succeed at my job? Why can't I trust Josh? Why can't I do and be enough for everyone?

"Stop, Amy," Dad says. "There's nothing wrong with her. Calm down."

The damage is already done. I've tried so hard to put myself together since I fell apart all those years ago, but still I'm broken. Still I'm incomplete. Still I fall short of who everyone wants me to be.

"Rachel, do you honestly believe he's changed?" Dad hesitates, and I can hear the compassion mixed with worry in his voice. "He won't...he won't betray you again?"
I try to picture the Josh I know now lying or cheating, and I can't. Life has sobered him as much as it has broken me. He's turned into a better version of himself, a man who is intentional, honest, genuine, and thoughtful. Everything that I found missing in other people I've found again in Josh.

"He won't. I trust him."

"Oh, so now he's trustworthy after we spent years hearing how he betrayed you." Mom scoffs. "You just believe him again. Where is your common sense?"

"Mom, I have common sense. I didn't just take him back right away. We've been taking things slow for the last couple of months--"

"Months!" she screeches. I flinch. "You've been talking to him for months without telling us?"

"Can you blame me when you respond like this?" I growl back. "I knew this is how you'd react, just like how you reacted when I told you I was moving out here. You just can't support me making my own decisions. You don't trust me to decide for myself what I want!"

Mom scoffs. "I would if you made good decisions! You should have married Aaron and moved to Massachusetts. Now you're in Ohio, you hate your job, and you're with that Josh boy again."

Tears threaten to spring into my eyes and I bite my tongue to distract myself. "Well, that's all I called to say."

"Rachel, honey, wait," Dad says. "I do trust your judgment, it's just hard for us to understand how so much could have changed. Less than a year ago, you told us you could never trust Josh again. We just don't want to see you get hurt."

I sigh. I spent four years afraid of getting hurt, and where did that get me? Nowhere. I squandered all of that time; I was stagnant, and I would rather vacillate between happy and sad than return to the emotionless pit I left behind. I'd rather let myself be broken again than hide behind my impenetrable walls.

"I know, Dad, but you just have to trust me. I...being around Josh makes me happier than I've been in years." I can't help but smile.

"Well, I'd like to meet him again," Dad says, "If you can give him a second chance, maybe I should too."

My stomach does a somersault. Josh visited my family over Easter when we were dating, and Mom was barely civil. I can only imagine how much worse she'll be now.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Your mother will behave."

Mom harrumphs from the background but doesn't protest. She probably just wants to see for herself what an idiot I am. "You sure about that?"

"She will." I'm unconvinced; even Dad can't control my mother's tongue. "I want to meet him, Rachel. If he's going to be a part of your life..."

"He is," I affirm. And he will be. We're not just reveling in the present any more. I can see a future with Josh, and for the first time, I think he can envision it too.

"Well, then I want to meet him again."

"Bring him for Thanksgiving," Mom says. "If he'll actually show up."

I release a long breath, my chest clenching. "I'll talk to him about it."

"Love you, Rachel."

"I love you too, Dad."

Mom hollers from somewhere in the background, "Just don't make another decision you'll regret for the rest of your life."

Surprisingly, her words make me smile. For once, Mom is wrong; I never regretted my choices with Josh. I was hurt, angry, broken, but I never regretted taking that chance. I loved him with everything I had, and when he left, I knew that I did all I could--or almost. I still haven't told him I love him, but I have time. No, I never regretted Josh Hunter, and I never will.

~~~~~

Have you ever loved someone your parents didn't approve of? Or struggled when you failed to meet their expectations? I definitely have, but just like Rachel's parents, mine love me unconditionally, no matter what happens.