The Definition of Fate

Chapter 44

You've not yet had your heart in halves,

so little do you know of love--
to tell me I will soon forget,

there will be others to regret.

Now all the years have proved you wrong,

my love for him burns bright and strong;

you can't divide the stars from the night--
from love there can be no respite.

- Lang Leav

"Rachel! Let me in."

I groan and squeeze my eyes shut. When I woke up, memories of last night came rushing in along with a brutal migraine and a stab of the fear that made me walk away from Josh. I have to face what I did, but it's a Saturday. I can put it off for a few more hours.

"Go away," I yell back at Chloe. She's the last person I want to talk to, only slightly higher on the list than Quentin and Mr. Fitzpatrick.

"I swear I'm going to stand here and yell at you until you let me in. Josh has been calling you all morning; he's worried you died or something and he told me that if I didn't make sure you were alright, he'd break down our front door."

I glance at my phone. Sixteen missed calls. I told him I was going to bed. Does he really think there's something so wrong with me that I would die in the middle of the night, safe in my own apartment? If anything, being left alone makes me feel better.

"Rachel Evans, I may not be able to break down this door, but I swear I'll stand here and read my entire freaking thesis to you until you open the door."

"Shut up for a second. I'm coming," I growl, tumbling out of bed and moaning at the dizziness that makes me lose my balance. I find the door knob and swing it open, eyes still half-closed.

Chloe stands before me like an angel of vengeance, her eyes wide and her curly hair in a halo around her head. "We need to talk." She pushes past me and starts to pace back and forth in my room. "What the heck is wrong with you? Why didn't you go to the hospital last night?"

I lean against the bed and rub my forehead, her voice grating against my nerves. "Chloe, I told Josh. I'm fine."

"You may be able to talk him into letting you off easy, but not me. You're not fine. That's the second time you've almost passed out while I've been around. How many other times has this happened? When was the last time you went to a doctor?"

"I'm perfectly healthy, Chloe. Last night got pretty crazy; I just got overwhelmed on top of all the stress I've had at work lately. It's not like you'd understand. You aren't on freaking probation with two weeks left to prove you deserve your job." The thought of work sends a pang through my head and I close my eyes for a moment. "Just let it go. If it gets worse or if it happens again, I'll go to see a doctor."

"Are you serious? Or is this just another lie you're telling me and Josh and yourself to pretend you're alright?"

"I just need some sleep. I'll call Josh and let him know that everything's alright, just get off my back, okay?"

"You're an idiot," Chloe growls as she leaves, slamming my door behind her.

Maybe Mom was right--maybe something is wrong with me. I'm pushing away all the people who care about me, but I don't know how to let anyone close right now. None of them is on the verge of losing their jobs. None of them is fighting to trust people despite betrayals and old pain that I keep trying to forgive. No matter what they say, I'm alone in this. I need to figure out what I'm doing by myself first.