The Definition of Fate

Chapter 39

There was a look in his eyes I had never seen before.
And it took me a few moments to recognize it for what it was.
Remorse.

I don't deserve you,

He said, half-defeated, half-hopeful.
It was the most honest thing he had ever said to me.
And he was right.

He didn't deserve me.

Not by a long shot.

But he had me nonetheless.

- Lang Leav

As Mom storms out, Dad stands up from the table and clears his throat, resting his hands on the table. "I'll go talk to her. Tommy, come on."

Tommy disappears upstairs and Josh and I are left alone at the Thanksgiving table. He rests his elbows on the table and buries his face in his hands with a heavy sigh, ruffling his carefully combed hair. I turn to face him, my knees brushing his chair. I run my hands down his arm, comforting him, reminding him I'm still here. I know the potency of my mother's volatile words, but I don't know how to save him from the pain they incurred.

"Josh, don't listen to her," I murmur. "I trust you. I trust that you won't hurt me again and that you've changed. Please, listen to me."

Josh stares straight ahead but covers my hand with his for a moment. "What if she's right, Rach?"

"She's not!" I declare emphatically. "I swear she's not. She doesn't know you like I do. Mom barely knows you at all."

"I know she doesn't, but she knows you, Rach. She knows that you care about people too much and you trust too easily." Josh turns to me, his eyes aching with emotion.

"Not anymore I don't. Do you think I just jumped into this without thinking? I didn't, Josh. I waited until I was sure you were different, and I thought about it long and hard."

"But Rach, I don't want to hurt you!" Josh stands up suddenly, his chair squeaking as he forces it backwards. "What if your mom's right? What if I'm being selfish? What if history repeats itself and I hurt you again? I can't do that to you."
"Stop, just stop!" I yell, standing up next to him and tugging on his arm so he has to face me. "Do you remember what happened the last time you were afraid you'd hurt me? Do you?"

He squeezes his eyes shut, his chest rising and falling and the muscles of his arm tight under my grasp. Before Josh and I started dating, he came so close to telling me how he felt, and then he got scared that he'd hurt me and walked away. We didn't talk for months, and that hurt me almost as badly as his final betrayal. I squeeze Josh's hand and try to anchor him back to me.

"I remember," Josh says, voice hoarse.

"Don't leave me. Don't run away. You aren't the one who gets to decide what will or won't hurt me," I plead with him, touching his face to turn his eyes towards me. "I decided to trust you, and I still do. If you want to leave," I struggle to keep the tears from falling, "if you want to leave, leave because you don't want to be with me. Don't leave because you're too afraid to be."

And then Josh utters the four words that have become our binding promise: "I still want you, Rach." He rests his forehead on mine, his breath hot and raspy against my face.

"I want you too," I whisper back.

"You're sure?"

"I've never been more sure of anything."

Josh kisses me softly as if trying to taste my promise to make sure it's truthful and he winds his hands around me. I let my head fall back to his chest where I can feel the warm beat of his heart.