The Definition of Fate

Chapter 57

What was it like to lose him?
It was like hearing every goodbye
Ever said to me--said all at once.

- Lang Leav

Josh and I have nothing to say for most of the drive; what can we say? We've made our decision, our promise to each other to stay together. There's nothing else we can do. I know I should be savoring these last few moments together, but how can I when I know these are the last few moments? When will see each other again? I refuse to consider the possibility that we won't, but without a car, it will be out of my control. What if we drift apart, talking every day and then every week and then every month until Josh drifts into my past?

"Rach, what are you thinking?"

Josh's question brings an instant smile to my lips--how many times has he asked me that very question? He delves into my soul, always able to tell when I'm lost in my own head.

"I'm...worrying," I confess. "About us. About everything."

He glances at me and releases one hand from the steering wheel to hold mine. "We'll be alright, Rach. We're us."

"I thought this would be like when we broke up before, but it's...everything's different this time."
When Josh walked away from me on the ski hill, I thought my heart couldn't be any more broken, that I couldn't love him anymore, but I was young and foolish and naive. I love him today more than I did yesterday, and how I feel will only continue to grow stronger.

"True. I'm not as stupid, or at least not quite as stupid, this time around." Josh's lips quirk though his aviator-covered eyes stay on the road.

"Neither of us are."

"Would you rather we'd never run into each other again?" Josh asks, his voice cracking.

"Never. I wouldn't take any of this back, Josh."
A smile plays at his lips. "Neither would I."

"Do you remember when we met?" I ask, taking us back to over six years ago when we were still kids, only a few months out of high school.

I was all hopes and dreams and fantasies, and Josh was like a bird released from its cage, free to be whoever he wanted to become. I was hesitant and tentative; Josh was bold and confident. We were as unalike on the surface as two people could be, but something inside of us was the same.

"Clear as day. That was one of the best days of my life."

"Because you were free from your dad."

"And I met you."

I roll my eyes and laugh. "You didn't even know my name."
"I know I was stupid back then and had no idea what I was doing, but I think I still knew."

Josh stops talking and I turn to look at him, his fingers tracing my palm. Josh isn't one to give flippant compliments or whisper sweet nothings. When we were younger, I could barely get him to verbalize his feelings for me.

"Really? From the day we met?" I question.

Even I with my hopeless, unrequited love took a few days to see Josh for more than the charming boy with blue eyes.

Josh shrugs. "I'm not saying I knew all of this would happen, but I think I knew that you were something--special, somehow."

"I'm impressed," I say with a teasing grin. "I just thought you were hot."

A laugh bursts from Josh's lips. "I guess that's one way to make an impression."

"Hey, it worked out pretty well," I say, touching the corner of Josh's mouth with my thumb. "I got lucky."