The Definition of Fate

Chapter 40

i am sorry this world

could not keep you safe

may your journey home

be a soft and peaceful one

- rupi kaur

Josh's hands fall from mine and he stares at me. "You want me to come with you?"

The way he says it makes my face flush with embarrassment. I've visited Gramps's grave a thousand times by myself, but this time, I want company. I want Josh to support me abd share in my grief and support me through it.

"You don't have to."
"No, I want to, Rach. I just figured you'd want to be alone with him."

I study my striped socks against the linoleum. "I've been doing this alone for too long, Josh. Come with me, please?"
I don't know if Josh understands, but I've lived on my own for so long that I'm tired of it. I want someone by my side for everything; I want to rely on someone wholly and totally. I want the freedom to be weak in my own pain and the chance to be strong for Josh in his.

As he's done a thousand times, he reaches under my chin and forces my gaze to his. "Always."

After grabbing a few snacks for a picnic, Josh and I get in his Jeep and I give him instructions to get to the cemetery. Since the majority of Allentown's population is either asleep or trying to murder each other for Black Friday deals, the cemetery is empty. We park on the street and enter through the wrought iron gate that reads, "Blessed are the dead who died in the Lord."

Josh squeezes my hand as we walk under the gate into the crunchy fall grass. The headstone is in the corner of the graveyard underneath an old oak tree; someone in a hurry could walk right past it and never see it, but Mom and Aunt Carin visit once a week and leave flowers. I find the stone and kneel in front of it, brushing off a few leaves that cover the inscription.

Theodore Jay Gilbert

Lived loved, died loved

I run my hands over the carved letters and close my eyes, recalling memories of his husky laugh, wrinkled smile, and sparkling eyes. I wish I'd appreciated him more when he was alive, but hindsight is always 20-20.

"I wish I would have told him I loved him a thousand more times," I murmur.

"He knew you loved him," Josh says, standing a few feet behind me. "And he loved you too, Rach."

"I know, and I know I should be more grateful for the time we had together and all that crap, but I wish it had been longer."

"I know," Josh says.

He was there; he remembers my grief. He was the only one who comforted me in the midst of it. My family was too busy grieving, and my friends didn't see my suffering, but Josh did.

I rise to my feet after staring at his gravestone for a few more minutes. I don't cry for Gramps anymore. He was loved, and he died knowing that. And despite everything my grandmother did to him, he still looked at life with an undying optimism and adventurous spirit that surprising for someone who had suffered so much. He told me to go after Josh if I loved him even though his own wife had been unfaithful to him and left him and his daughters. I will always treasure my memories of Gramps.

"I'm ready," I say, taking Josh's hand.

We leave the cemetery. I grab our picnic food and lead Josh to the park next to the cemetery. A few park benches and a gravel path surround a murky pond with a handful of sleepy Mallard ducks. We sit on one of the park benches and I pass Josh a sandwich I made. When one of the ducks swims over to us, I can't help but toss it a few pieces of my sandwich, which eventually turns into one entire slice of bread. I laugh when I attract the entire flock of ducks onto the bank only a few feet from us, but when Josh doesn't say anything, I shoo the ducks away and turn towards him, putting a hand on his leg.