The Definition of Fate

Chapter 55

Can you see that we are what love is?

That when your forehead is pressed against mine

All I was and ever thought

It mattered to be begins to fade

And blur and evaporate

Until it is replaced by something new,

Something called into existence
By the sound of our smiles finding
Their way onto our waiting lips.
Take a breath and fill your lungs

With the realization

That all you were and ever thought
It mattered to be will fade

And find itself turning back
Into the air that will one day
Be the exhale that lends sound
To the darkness that will surround
Two new, lucky, and blessed souls

Standing quiet
With their foreheads touching
And their tired eyes shut.
We are what love is made of
If only it had the courage
To stand up and scream
Into the fog of what we were.

- Tyler Knott Gregson

I park my car in the lot outside Lupus Lodge at Round Two Ranch, but I can't force myself to get out. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, my deadline for giving Teresa my decision about the job offer. I know what I want; the problem is, I want two things. I want a life with Josh here in Columbus, and I want a job at the National Literacy Council in D.C.

I've been putting off this conversation with Josh as long as possible because the last time we tried to talk about it, I passed out and went to the hospital. Josh and I have been pretending that everything's fine, tiptoeing around the impending decision. I stare at my hands as they shake on the steering wheel.

When I get out of the car and walk inside the lodge to meet Josh, I could be walking into our breakup, our cataclysmic ending. And if I thought I fell apart four years ago, a second break up will be the end to the person that I am now. I have learned to love Josh more fully and completely in the last few months than I ever did when we were in college because he's poured himself into me as much as I've poured myself into him. I love him, but we're at a stalemate and I can already read the ending to our story.

I close my eyes and ignore the tears that already escape my closed eyelids. I draw in a halting breath. Not yet, Rach. I can't lose it yet. I have to keep it together and stay strong through this one conversation for Josh and for myself.

I open the door to my Bug and a wave of icy wind hits me, whisking through my curls as I pull up my hood and zip my coat up to my chin. I step out onto the blacktop covered in snow and slam the door shut, shivering within moments.

"Rach?"
I look up to see Josh standing on the porch of the lodge in a heavy Carhartt coat and beige work boots, waiting for me. Even from a few hundred feet away, his eyes shine and I feel a spasm of desperation inside me. I can't give this up. We have to make it work. We have to.

"Hey," I mumble between chattering teeth.

Josh bolts down the stairs and jogs toward me, pulling me into his embrace. I cling to him, burrowing my face against his chest. A shuddering sob starts in the back of my throat but I fight to hold it in.

Safe. That's how I feel in his arms. I gather the folds of his coat in my hands, pulling him against me, and I can feel his breath hot against my neck. His hand catches in my curls as if he's reminding himself that I'm still here.