The Definition of Fate

Chapter 29

i don't know what living a balanced life feels like
when i am sad
I don't cry, i pour
when i am happy
I don't smile, i beam
when i am angry

i don't yell, i burn

the good thing about

feeling in extremes
Is when i love
I give them wings
but perhaps
that isn't
such a good thing

cause they always

tend to leave and

you should see me
when my heart is broken
i don't grieve
i shatter.

- Rupi kaur

"Hey, Josh. Sorry about lunch," I say over the phone as I drive home in the waning hours of evening

"You skipped lunch again, Rach."

I cringe at his worry. Yeah, we usually have lunch together on Thursday. And yeah, I skipped today so I could write an article on the spread of ringworm in southern Ohio. Halle is annoyed again because I turned in one of my articles late a few days ago. There's no pleasing this woman.

"I know, and I'm sorry, but I had to."
I know it's a lie, and Josh knows it's a lie, but neither of us says so. I could have stayed even later tonight and had lunch with Josh, but I would have stressed about work the entire time we were together. It was better this way for both of us. Plus, I might actually get eight hours of sleep tonight.

"What are you doing tomorrow night?" he asks.

I don't tell him the truth about my typical Friday night, usually spent working or sleeping. "I don't have plans."
"Want to come over for dinner? Mom invited you. I know it's kind of soon, but--well, we could have dinner and you could relax a little."

The prospect of an entire night free of work stress is too tantalizing to ignore. "That sounds awesome, Josh. Thanks. Do I need to be worried about your mom and making a good impression?"

"She already loves you."

"But I've only met her twice!"

"Let's just say she's heard me talk about you once or twice."
I grin into the phone. "Oh yeah?"

"I can hear you smiling," Josh teases.

"Ellie might have let on that you've talked about me before. Possibly a lot."

"You should be grateful you don't have a sister," Josh answers with a slight growl in his voice. "So you'll come?"

"I'll be there. What time?"
"Six o'clock okay?"
"Sounds good."
"And Rach?" Josh says before I can hang up the phone.

"What?"
He murmurs the words that have become our promise to each other. "I still want you."
"I still want you too."

For our Friday night dinner, I dress in my best Mom-impressing outfit: a plain black dress with a cardigan, a scarf, and a pair of flats. As I drive through the campground, I feel my worries about work start to fade. I roll down my windows and take in the sensations of nature: the golden leaves that dance with the brisk wind, the dappled sunlight flickering through the trees as day fades away, the sound of songbirds whispering their goodbyes as they make ready to depart for winter. Returning to nature is returning to a home I have long forgotten.

Josh waits for me in his Jeep in the lodge parking lot and climbs out to meet me. With only my phone tucked into my pocket, I run to meet him. Every time we come together it's like the first time we saw each other all over again. After four years apart, I still find it hard to believe we're together. What if this is all a dream? What if one day I wake up and he's gone? But when he's here in front of me where I can touch and feel and see him, I know this is better than a dream.