The Definition of Fate

Chapter 61

I will wait
I am waiting

And I will love you

With all the love
I possess

Until this body

Is ash

And I begin my search
For you again.

- Tyler Knott Gregson

Why did he leave without saying anything?

This question has echoed through my mind for two weeks ever since Josh left my apartment without saying a word after I told him I loved him. How could he just walk away from me like that?

He texted me afterwards and said that he needed time to think, but I know what happened. I scared him away with my honesty, and now I've lost him forever. I keep hoping and wondering if he'll apologize for freaking out and promise me he still wants me, but I've heard nothing. Josh and I were over when he closed my apartment door in my face and he walked away. I gave him everything, and it wasn't enough. Again.

The thing is, I thought he'd changed. I believed he cared about me and wanted a future with me--I still do, to be honest. All of his actions told me he wanted me forever, but with one moment of fear, he destroyed everything. I never thought he would walk away and give up, not like that. I wonder if it was fear and cowardice or if he just didn't return my feelings. I wonder if I'll ever know what happened. I wonder if he'll ever come back.

Josh left me.

I can't accept that we're over, that after everything we ended with the closing of a door. I should have fought for him to stay, but I was so stricken by his vacant response that I could barely process him walking out the door. When we broke up all those years ago, I was completely destroyed. I couldn't imagine being more broken than I was in the days and weeks and months afterwards, but that pain doesn't compare with how I feel now. I wonder if I've shattered beyond salvation because I can't imagine ever recovering from this.

I've spent a lot of time with Dr. Patterson talking about what happened and where I go from here. When I told Josh I loved him, I relinquished all control, but I didn't expect him to completely trample my heart. Dr. Patterson keeps telling me to give him time; Josh had to process this revelation, and maybe he got freaked and really did need time. Maybe he'll come back. However, I'm too afraid to believe that. I know Josh--or at least I thought I did--and I've never seen him scared away from anything he wants. But maybe he didn't want me enough. It wouldn't be the first time.

"Rachel?"

I remove my hands from my head and look up to see Janelle, one of my coworkers, smiling down at me with a Surface table in hand. I shake my head to dissolve the fuzziness and refocus my gaze. I can't keep getting distracted at work.

"Uh, hey, Janelle. What's going on?"

"Did you talk to Marco at the Seattle center yet about the conference call Teresa wants with him?"
I force my ever present thoughts of Josh to the back of my mind and scan my to-do list. "Yeah, I talked with him this morning and sent his availability on to Teresa. Mondays and Wednesdays before ten are best for him and he has the projected plans for expansion prepared."

Janelle nods. "Let me check Teresa's schedule." She flips through the tablet and then nods. "Next Wednesday at 8:30. Do you want to sit in on the call?"

"Yes, absolutely." I jot down the time on a sticky note. "Thanks."

She smiles and bustles away, her heels clicking on the cement floor. I refocus my eyes on the budget proposal I'm reading before our next meeting. While I love talking about curriculum design and project development and community relations, this budget stuff is not my forte.