The Definition of Fate

Chapter 22

You may not know

The reason why,
For a time
I wasn't I.

There was a man,

who came and went--

on him every breath
was spent.

I'm sorry I forgot
all else--
it was the most
I ever felt.

- Lang Leav

I want you. These are the words that I waited for, wished for, craved for years, but never heard. My soul yearns towards Josh, whispering my betrayal: I want you too. Of course my heart still wants him; it never stopped. If only Josh had said these three words instead of walking away from me all those years ago. If only he had wanted me then.

"As soon as I saw you again in the middle of the street fair, I knew. Maybe I've known ever since that night. I want what we had--no," he stops and shakes his head, "I want something better than what we had. I was stupid and confused and I screwed up, Rach. That...it was the worst mistake I ever made, and I know I can't take it back, but..." He stops and turns away from me, running a hand through his dark hair. "I want you, Rach. I always have."

My face goes white. What am I supposed to say? He still has no idea what he did to me, how much his betrayal affected me, and right now I don't have the strength to show him just how deep my pain is. Just because I still want him doesn't mean I can forget all of the pain and heartbreak. That heartbreak is a part of me now, and he has to recognize how fragile the trust we've rebuilt is. He has no idea.

"Wh-what am I supposed to say right now?" I ask him in a strangled voice.

Chloe's words come back to me: "He destroyed you, but you're letting yourself get pulled right back in?" I can't let myself fall, not yet. No matter how long my heart has been waiting to hear those words.

"Nothing. You don't have to say anything. I just...I thought you should know. I'm not running away this time, Rach. I'm going to be here for you like I should have been, and I'm going to regain your trust."

I stare down at my hands on the top of the car door. His promises taste sweet, but I know how quickly they can turn sour. I don't doubt that Josh means what he says right now, but he left before and he could leave again.

"Just tell me one thing," he says, stepping closer to me so we're eye to eye. I make the mistake of looking up at him and I'm instantly lost in the sincerity in his eyes. "Will you give me a chance?"

I grind my teeth together and tilt my head to stare at him. "Will you be there when I need you this time?"

Josh surprises me when his gaze doesn't falter; I thought he would flinch at my accusation, but he doesn't. He returns my stare.

"I will. I'll screw up, but I won't leave. I swear I won't leave you again."

Goosebumps break out on my arms. "That's all I ever wanted," I whisper.

I didn't need perfection, like Josh once accused me of; I just wanted him to stay with me. We could have overcome all of our flaws and shortcomings if we'd stayed loyal to each other, and despite the years, I still haven't strayed from him. Even when I tried, I couldn't love anyone else the way I loved him. In the depths of my heart, I know I'll be loyal to him until the day I die.

Josh takes a step closer, the inches between us reduced to centimeters. My eyes falter from his and drop to his lips. I still remember their taste and I draw in a sharp breath, my eyes flickering back to his face. I'm falling too fast.