The Definition of Fate

Chapter 45

A bruise is tender
but does not last,

it leaves me as

I always was.

But a wound I take

much more to heart,

for a scar will always
leave its mark

And if you should ask me
which you are,

my answer is--

you are a scar.

- Lang Leav

Run.

Everything in me says I should run away before he breaks me again. I'm transported back in time to the day I discovered Josh talking with Sierra, the girl he dated before me. I found out that he'd lied to me, hidden the truth, and kissed me while they were still together. Our trust fractured into a thousand pieces because of one emotion-fraught conversation behind the bleachers that I accidentally overheard.

And just like that day, all I can see is Josh betraying me again, lying to me, cheating on me. What if all of his promises have been false? What if all of the change I thought I saw in him is just wishful thinking? What if he's betraying me again right here, right in front of my eyes?

Run away, I tell myself. My heart is a grenade in my chest threatening to explode. Leave him behind. You knew he would hurt you. You knew, yet you still let yourself fall in love with him again. He didn't change. Mom was right: People don't change. What's wrong with you?

But I remain paralyzed, watching Josh speak with the young woman in the lodge. I remember Josh's constancy, support, intentionality, kindness. He is a new man, and I told him that I truly believed he changed, yet here I am, doubting him when given the first opportunity. When I accepted him back into my life and my heart, I promised Josh that I'd forgiven him. I can't let assumptions and insecurity get between us, not again. A promise is more than a fleeting emotion; it's a choice to believe in the other person, and I swore to believe in Josh.

Josh still holds the blue-eyed girl by the shoulders, but he's done nothing else. He hasn't hugged or kissed her or given me any reason to doubt him. She could be an employee or a friend or even a relative. I need to control my fear and give him a chance to explain.

I press my hand against the door, a gust of wind whipping my curls in front of my eyes. I draw in a deep breath; I can face this. The door swings open, the wind catching it and a creak echoing through the room. Both Josh and the mystery girl turn towards me.

I bite my lip so hard that it bleeds as Josh releases the girl and moves toward me in a few quick strides. His eyes are wide and surprised, but I see no guilt or shame. Before I can protest or began explanation, his arms are around me and he presses me to his chest. The familiar scent of campfire smoke and pine needles embalms me and I sigh against him. In his presence, the fear and the distrust fade.

"Rach, you're here," he whispers, breath hot against my neck. "I've missed you so much."

I cling to him, my fingernails digging into his flannel shirt and pulling him against me. "I was so wrong, Josh. I shouldn't have pushed you away. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

His hand rubs my back and he murmurs, "It's okay, it's fine."

There's more I want and need to say, but I can't with the wide-eyed girl staring at us. I pull away from Josh reluctantly and look at him, resisting the urge to trace every contour of his face with my fingertips.