The Definition of Fate

Chapter 30

Her heart is played
like well worn strings;
in her eyes
the sadness sings;
of one who was destined,
for better things

- Lang Leav

Pressure builds in my chest throughout the rest of the evening. Though Josh and I talked about the past, the unknowns rise between us, threatening to sever our tenuous connection. After dinner, Josh drives me back to my car amidst the black of night and the glitter of the moon off the lake. I say nothing even though I know I should say something, but I'm afraid he'll think I'm jealous or that I'm letting the past cloud my judgement. Though I try to silence the fear, I can't. Josh is the only person I've ever loved, but what if I'm not his only? What if he's it for me, but I'm not it for him?

When we reach the parking lot, I climb out and go straight for my car. I stick the key in the ignition and twist it, but the Ladybug works against me.

"Crap."

She refuses to start and I bang my head against the steering wheel. The one time I need to make a quick escape, she lets me down.

"Rach? Is everything okay?"

"No, it's not okay," I growl at Josh, refusing to turn my gaze to meet his. I know he'll be able to see the tension that wants to leak out of my eyes in barely repressed tears. "My car won't start."

"What is it with you and crappy cars?" Josh teases, reminding me of my old car which was known for breaking down on a regular basis.

"Let me try it again," I see, twisting the key with a vengeance. It doesn't even sputter this time. That's when I see the dome light is still turned on. "Crap. My battery's dead."

"C'mon, I'll drive you home. I'll bring you over to pick it up tomorrow."

I stay in the car a moment, the pressure in my chest building as my breath grows labored. It's okay. We can talk through it. But all I can picture is Josh's back as he turned and left me behind on the ski hill. The past has come to the present. Again. Why can't I put it behind me?

"Rach, are you okay?" Josh pries open the door and takes my hand, pulling me out of the car. He turns me to face him and when he sees my expression, he cradles my face in his hand,tilting my chin up so I have to look at him. "What's wrong?"

"I..." I can't force words out of me.

I'm afraid you've loved other people and I won't measure up to what you felt. I'm afraid I'm not enough. It has nothing to do with model Whitney, but seeing him next to her brought the last four years into focus. I know there were other girls, but I never thought about what those relationships must have been like. Did he love them? Did he ever even love me?

"Rach? Is it about my parents' divorce? I know I haven't told you everything, but--"

"It's not about the divorce," I whisper. "I...we still have a lot to talk about. About the past. About other people."

Realization washes over Josh's expression. "Is this about the guy you almost married?" I hear the flinty edge to his voice, the same bitterness and fear that I feel.

"I...I didn't almost marry him, but Josh, this is about you. Did you...was there anyone else? Anyone else like me?"

Josh's hands fall from my face and he recoils, taking a step back. "What? What are you talking about?"

I shake my head. I shouldn't have said anything. "It's fine. Forget I said anything."

I turn away from him and wipe at my eyes. Fear is breaking through and I'm one step away from losing it.