The Definition of Fate

Chapter 58

It was all I wanted for the longest time--
To open my eyes and see you there.
To stretch out my hand

And touch the soft, yielding warmth of your skin.

But now I have learned the secret of distance.
Now I know being close to you was never about the proximity.

- Lang Leav

"See you later, Rachel!"

I wave goodbye to my coworkers, a smile on my face as I push through the swinging doors into the glorious spring. I spent the afternoon working with the Media Relations team to help advertise and network with local newspapers and TV stations to get our message about literacy out to the D.C. area, my background in journalism put to good use.

The girls I work with invited me to dinner at a local pub, but I had to decline because I'm off to see Dr. Paterson, my therapist. I've lived in D.C. now for two months and as reluctant as I am to admit it, I love it here. The city overflows with history and life, from the National Mall to the local zoo. But it's not just the city that's vibrant with the coming of spring; it's me. I love my job and even though there have been bumps along the road, I feel like I'm helping others. Plus, Teresa and my other coworkers value me and my contributions, and I get to go back to school, and life is perfect. Almost.

Of course, I still have my anxiety to deal with, but therapy with Dr. Paterson has helped me identify some of the stressors that cause me to panic and develop coping mechanisms when I start to lose control. I'm realizing that there's a lot more behind these panic attacks than simply feeling overwhelmed.

But then there's Josh.

He's the only thing missing. I was afraid he would fade into the past, but that was impossible. He's as much a part of my life now as he can be, but the physical distance has taken a toll on us both. I knew this would be hard, but I didn't expect to miss him so much. Even when we talk on the phone, I want him next to me, holding me, touching me.

And even though I'm only two months into our six month pact, I already know what my answer will be: I want to stay.

I swipe my metro pass card and get on the green line to head to Dr. Paterson's. Even though I grew up in a small town, I've adjusted pretty well to life in the big city. I can find my way to any part of the city and I've loved exploring D.C. I slide into an empty seat on the metro and pull out a book from the bag slung over my shoulder--Persuasion. I know I shouldn't read this book because it only makes me miss Josh, but it also reminds me that there's hope for couples torn apart by circumstances and distance.

"I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever."

I sigh and close my book as the metro jerks to a stop at my station. I shouldn't torture myself like this, but I can't get away from my thoughts of Josh. He's there constantly, in the back of my mind and heart, nagging at me and reminding me of what I gave up to be here.

I climb the stairs out of the metro station and squint at the bright light outside. This part of the city is more residential and I smile at a mother walking her dog and pushing a baby carriage. My heeled ankle boots click on the sidewalk as I make my way to Dr. Paterson's office, an old stone building with green ivy clinging to the side. It reminds me of an English cottage supplanted into the middle of the U.S. capital.

"Good afternoon," I say as I open the door to the small waiting room.

The receptionist, a middle aged woman with a wide, crooked-toothed smile, greets me. "Hi, Rachel! I'll let Dr. Paterson know you're here."