The Definition of Fate

Chapter 59

I closed my

eyes
softly and fell
in love with the
way I
remembered you:
body, soul,
and all.

- Christopher Poindexter

I leave church on Easter Sunday with a sorrow in my soul that contradicts the joy I should feel on a day like today, a day of new beginnings. Instead, I'm trapped in a mire of despair. All I want is to be with Josh and my friends and family, but without the money to travel, I'm stuck here.

One of the best things about moving to a new city has been regaining my independence. Of course, I've always taken care of myself, but at home and in Columbus, I had friends and family to support me. Here, I'm on my own, and I'm learning just how self-sufficient I am. It's not that I mind being alone; there's actually something freeing about eating at a restaurant by myself or browsing the local bookstore alone. I feel free to do what I want without being accountable to anyone.

That doesn't make being 400 miles away from Josh any easier.

I walk home through the streets of D.C. which are bedizened with vibrant hanging baskets full of colorful flowers, my dress twisting around my legs in the light breeze of spring. Hope is in the air in the budding flowers and sun-soaked sky, but my heart beats to a different tune. I feel more alone today than I have in years.

When I get back to the apartment, I slip off my heeled sandals as soon as I'm inside the door. Dana and Abby, my two roommates, are with their families this weekend, so the apartment is mine. I toss my shoes aside and head into the kitchen in search of comfort food. I texted Josh earlier, so I'm sure he'll call me in a little while, but he was planning to go to church and then have lunch with his mom and Ellie. If I were still in Columbus, they would have invited me to join them.

Since moving here, I've managed to fight off regret by focusing on how much I love my job. And I do. I love the fact that when I finish my Master's degree and complete a few years of training here at headquarters, they'll send me to a major U.S. city to start or improve literacy programs for the community. It's a great job, and most days I can fight off the despair. But today all I can think about is what I left behind. Did I make a mistake? Did I sacrifice my happiness for the American dream?

You're overthinking again.

Dr. Paterson and I have talked about my tendency to think things through, forward, backward, and all around before accepting something. I like to live in the past or the future, but never the present. This focus keeps me from enjoying what's actually happening in my life, but today I don't know what I can be grateful for.

I open the chipped cupboard door and search my shelves for something to curb my appetite. I need comfort food. I grab a cup of Kraft macaroni and cheese, fill it up with water, and stick it in the microwave, leaning against the counter as I wait.

My phone buzzes on the dining room table and I leave the kitchen to check it. Josh.

"Hey, happy Easter," I answer, a smile on my face just from knowing we're connected.

"Hey, Rach." Wind muffles Josh's voice and I wonder if he's walking around the lake with Donna and Ellie. "Are you busy right now?"

"Just making myself a delicious lunch of instant mac and cheese. Why, what's up?"

"Look out your window."

My heart skids to a stop and adrenaline surges through me. He's here. He's here. I sprint to the huge window that overlooks the street and I push apart the dusty white blinds, and I see him. Josh stands in the street below me with a half-smile on his face, waving.