The Definition of Fate

Chapter 33 - Part 1

You
were the excuse
to begin
living
again.

- Tyler Knott Gregson

I sigh and rest my face on my knuckles. I turn away from Josh; my relationship with Aaron is something we cannot share. It's a sacred part of the past, a regret and a treasure that I left behind me. Aaron isn't like Josh or Collin or anyone else who's come and left. He was the one who stayed but still wasn't enough, and for all my compassion, I couldn't make him be enough.

"His name was Aaron, Aaron Webb. We started dating two years after you and I broke up. I didn't really...there weren't any other guys between you and him. I went on a date or two, but they couldn't measure up to you. Nothing ever could."

Even though I'm turned away from him, Josh still reaches for my hand and squeezes it, reminding me he's still here.

"Aaron knew that I was screwed up and not quite ready to open up to anyone, but he persisted. We met in a coffeeshop. I was reading a book and he kept trying to talk to me even though I was blocking his face with the book." I grin at the memory, remembering Aaron's knotted eyebrows and soft green eyes. "He persisted, that's what I loved about him. We dated for two years, and he was my best friend. He knew me better than maybe anyone, and he put up with all of my fears and insecurities."

I turn to Josh, tears welling in my eyes. "He was a wonderful man, Josh. You would have liked him. He treated me better than anyone ever has and he redeemed some of the worst years of my life. I owe him for any healing that I've done. We were happy together, really happy. Then, about a month before I moved here, Aaron got a job offer in Massachusetts and decided to propose."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Josh's jaw clench and I wonder what he's thinking. "I said no. Because of you. I care about him Aaron, but as a friend. I wanted it to be more, I wanted to feel everything for him, but it wasn't enough. I broke things off, and I broke his heart. It was awful."

Josh reaches his thumb to wipe a tear that's spilled onto my cheek. Hurt people hurt people. Josh hurt me, and I hurt Aaron. It's a vicious cycle.

"Did you love him?" Josh asks, voice gravelly.

Love. We've never talked about this word before, and it makes me tremble with fear. "I loved him as a person, but not..." Not the same way I loved you. "Not enough."

"Do you miss him?"

"Yeah. He moved to Massachusetts after I said no; he didn't have anything else left for him there. I know we'll probably never see each other again, but I do miss him. He was my life for two years."

I turn back to Josh, the memories of Aaron overwhelmed by Josh's presence. He pulls me toward him by the hand, drawing me to his chest and wrapping his arm around me. I press my face to his flanneled chest and listen to the beat of his heart thumping steadily inside him.

"Did you...was there anyone else? After me?"

Josh's eyes grow lost in the forest of pines behind the campfire. "I made mistakes, Rach. I slept around and treated girls like trash because I hated myself. I hated what I did to you. I thought I didn't deserve anything...anything like what we had. Besides my mom and Ellie, you were the only person who cared about me and saw me as a person, and I guess I thought you'd always be part of my life, but then I went too far. I screwed up and lost you, and I figured, why should I even try anymore?"

I rub Josh's arm as he speaks, sympathy rising in my throat. "When I got my life together again, I didn't date for a while because I was busy with getting the camp set up and I didn't want to fall back into old habits. It helped that I had a preteen sister to set an example for. Can you imagine what she would have said if I was bringing girls home every night?"