The Definition of Fate

Chapter 31

The monsters were never

under my bed.

Because the monsters
were inside my head.

I fear no monsters,

for no monsters I see.
Because all this time
the monster has been me.

- Nikita Gill

Josh's voice calls me out of the darkness. "Rach? Rach, what's going on? Come back to me."

I struggle to suck breath into my lungs--my heart is beating too fast. Why is it beating so fast? My eyes flicker open and I fight to get a grasp on reality, but it only brings a return of the panic. What if. What if. What if. Fear seeps into my bones and races through my blood system. I squeeze my eyes shut, but it doesn't help. Nothing helps.

"Rach."

I know that voice. I feel a warm hand cradling my head and brushing the curls from my face, and my eyes open to find Josh's gaze only a few inches above me. The fear dissipates with his touch and I start to sit up. Nausea and a migraine hit as I rise and I press a hand to my head.

"What happened?" I whisper, my throat suddenly dry.

"I'm not sure, Rach. You...you blacked out for a second."
I look around me and find that I've slipped out of the chair where I was sitting just a few moments ago into Josh's arms. Did I pass out? That's ridiculous. I was probably just tired--actually, I know I'm tired. Work was crazy this week, and then I went to the Hunters' house and came back here. I probably didn't drink enough or something. Dehydration.

"Rachel, I think you went unconscious. We should get you to the doctor." Chloe. I turn my head and find my other friends hovering over Josh and me.

"I'm fine." I shake my head and my vision goes white with the headache. Tendrils of panic weave around me and I struggle to cast them away.

"You're not fine, Rach," Josh says, helping me into the chair. I try to push him off, but I find I don't even have the strength to stand on my own, so I sag into the chair. Josh's voice drops. "I thought I lost you for a minute."

"My car's just downstairs. We can run to Urgent Care and have them check you," Chloe says, jumping into motion and grabbing her car keys from the ring by the door.

"I'm not going to the doctor!" I exclaim. "I'm just...tired. Work was crazy this week and it's been a long day."

Josh and Chloe trade a glance that makes me want to punch them both. I'm so tired of being mothered and treated like I can't take care of myself. I'm 24. I can handle a little stress. But you've never passed out before.

"Rach, please?" Josh pleads with me. "It has been a long week, and the stress is getting to you. Tonight didn't help."

"I'm not going to the doctor's. I'm fine."

Maybe if I keep saying this it'll be true. The headache still pounds in my head and I'm afraid that if I were by myself, the panic would come back. I'm strong enough to deal with this.

"Why don't we give her some space," Jordan says, sounding like the mother she's become. "I'm sure us fussing over her doesn't help any. Chloe, do you want to pick up Hina from the hotel?"
Jordan gestures for Luis and Chloe to come with her, but Chloe spares me one last withering glare. "Rachel, you need to go to a doctor. This isn't nothing."
I look away from her and rest my elbows on the table and my head in my hands. I run my hands through my hair, trying to abolish my migraine. If this headache would go away, then maybe I could actually think through this. Maybe I forgot to eat lunch or something; I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.