The Definition of Fate

Chapter 21

And suddenly you know:
It's time to start something new
And trust the magic of beginnings.
- Meister Eckhart

Four days. It's only been four days since I last saw Josh, and already it feels like eternity rests between our brief moments together, like time only exists to mark the space between us.

I asked Ellie to give him my number, and for the last four days, we've texted constantly. We know better than to talk about anything serious over text, but just having the lines of communication open again feels like a journey back in time. I fall back into the habit of sharing my every thought and whim with Josh, like we used to even before we dated. I may not yet trust him with my heart, but I'm starting to trust him with my every day, and maybe that's just as dangerous.

"Hey, Rachel? Are you busy?"

I roll over from my stomach to my butt and sit up, tossing my phone aside. Josh was midway through a ridiculous story about a camper who slept walked into the lake, but that'll have to wait.

"Hey, Chlo. What's up?"

Chloe, all tenacity and ambition, hesitates at the door into my room and I climb off the bed. Something's not right. Her eyebrows are drawn into a tight line and her lips pursed.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, no, nothing's wrong, I just...can we talk?"

"Yeah, of course!" I say, motioning her in. "Come sit down."

I curl up against the wall and hug a fluffy pillow to my chest as Chloe enters, closing the door behind her. My apprehension builds.

"So? What's up?" I ask.

"Were you texting Josh?" she asks, motioning to my phone which buzzes on my bed.

"Yeah, but it's fine. I'll text him back later." I smile a little. Who would have thought I'd be texting Josh constantly like he's my high school crush?

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Josh?" The apprehension grows into a churning defensiveness in my gut and my voice sharpens. "What about him?"

Chloe leans back onto her hands and sighs. "I like Josh, you know that. You guys were really great together in college before everything fell apart, and he made you happy. I'm just worried about you, going through this again."

"I'm not going through anything again, Chloe. We're just friends."

Josh's words contradict me, echoing in my ears: "I don't think we can just be friends, Rach. I don't think that's possible for us." Even though we're not dating, it's more than friendship. It always has been.

"You can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me," Chloe says. "After everything...what are you doing, Rachel? He destroyed you, but you're letting yourself get pulled right back in?"

White hot defensiveness burns inside of me. "I'm not some teenager getting caught up in stupid emotions again, Chloe. Give me some credit."

"Rachel, you weren't ever a stupid teenager. You and Josh were in love, but he broke you. Josh did that, and you're going to put yourself in a position for that to happen again?" Chloe leans towards me, her eyes dark and compassionate despite the acerbity of her words. "I'm worried you're going to let him hurt you again."
A flicker of doubt ignites inside me. I thought I was keeping myself safe by taking these small steps with Josh, but who am I fooling? Any step towards Josh is a step towards surrender, to self-inflicted insanity, to losing myself again. What if I can't protect myself now any better than I could four years ago? I'm 24 years old; I can't afford another restart on my life, I can't break down again.