Unspoken Words

Excerpt from the book i'll never write

I always craved for attention, your attention to be precise. I always wanted to be the girl you want to be with for the rest of your life. The girl who will be right next to you in every step of the way and whatever life brings, we will both face it together without hesitations or inhibitions or regrets because we have each other and that will be enough.

I always longed for a love that can give me a feeling that I can't put into words, that can make me feel like I am worth the bullets that our heroes took ages ago and somehow, I can be who I wanted to be and it will be alright because I am accepted and loved and appreciated.

I always wanted to be enough. Enough for you and for your love. And maybe that's the reason why I lost it. I lost everything I had the moment my heart decided to beat for you. I lost the only thing that keeps me going. Hope. I lost the very last piece of it the moment you decided to break your promises and my heart. You took everything with you so I am left with nothing but my tears and the pain and damage you have caused that will surely stay with me for God knows how long.

I blame myself. I always blame my self for not being enough. For lacking of something that made you the man you said you will never become. I thought a lot of things that crashed my being for a longest time. I belittle myself and blamed myself and accused myself for not being enough and repeat.. Repeat.. Repeat.. Until there's nothing but hate for myself and for the world, for me. I was left alone. Devastated and ruined and forever changed.

When I was a kid, I was told that love is the most precious thing in the world. It is the best feeling that one can feel the moment they finally let go and just let them do their work.

If that's the case, then why loving so much is now the most painful thing a human being can experience?

Is this a sin? Loving someone unconditionally? Is that so bad that I am suffering a lot lately?