⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ eating disorder, drug use and depressive/ self-harm thoughts.. of you can't handle reading that stuff ignore this WHOLE chapter
28:"But you never told me the truth, so why are you so sure I wouldn't love you.."
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I am staring at the ceiling, thinking about my angel and what she's probably doing now. It has been three days already and I've never been this damaged. I mean, I told her I'd get my shit together but it seems impossible for me to stop taking drugs. My body needs them. I can't think straight, my whole skin is ripped open because of how often and hard I'm scratching it.
Right now, I'm dying not to take any drugs again.
I'm already high but want to poison myself more.. and more..
... to keep on blocking my family off my mind.
I pull my blanket over my head to keep myself away from my desk where my drugs are laying on as if it's the most normal thing. My heart races again, causing me to grip my blanket harder that my knuckles turn white.
"Shit, it's harder than I thought," I hiss to myself and feel something dripping from my nose. Desperately, I breathe out and sit up to find my white shirt covered with blood again.
My nose doesn't stop bleeding so I started looking for tissues. Checking the time to find myself in shock that it's actually 1:30 a.m. Oreo is sleeping on my bed silently so I slowly stood up to wash my face. My phone is vibrating which I first ignored until my nose would stop bleeding.
I couldn't sleep in two days and my eyes are burning, my skin is so sensitive that I'm scared to get in touch with something. Abruptly, my nose stopped bleeding which left me confused. My eyes travel around my room, I couldn't concentrate on anything else than the white powder on my desk.
"Fuck, don't," I tell myself and slap my forehead. Angel wouldn't want me to do it, I add and clear my throat.
She will wait anyway...
I shake the thought away and bite my lip, should I call her? She'd help me for sure.
So I grabbed my phone to see Miguel calling me five minutes ago. I lift my head to see myself in the mirror which shocked me. The bags under my eyes are almost black and swollen. My lips were dry, it looked like no blood was in my body because of how pale my skin is looking. I lost too much weigh and never realised.
Forcing my legs to move to my bathroom to use my scale. After I saw that my body is left with 72 kilos instead of 90 like I usually used to weight, I stood there under shock. I couldn't remember the last time I've really eaten. For weeks I'm just drinking water and don't have any appetite, loosing fights after fights.
