His Mistakes

Part 9

At that moment, I could only stare silently at the library table. So many different things were flowing through me. One of them was regret. 

Lance didn't say anything for a long time. I could feel his eyes burning into me without even having to look up and make sure. I wanted everything to be fine. I would be fine if he told me that he didn't like boys, I would be fine if he told me that he didn't like me like that, I would be fine... I just wanted everything to be fine. And even if it didn't work out, I wanted everything to be fine when it was over. Maybe we could go on like it never happened, maybe I could keep him in my head and mourn over the everlasting feeling and pulling at my stomach knowing that I can never be with him.

I would be fine with that.

The truth was, I didn't even know if I was ready for love. Hell, I didn't know the definition of the word. All I knew was that I wanted him. And maybe it was just lust. But I was hoping that one day I could have the capability to love someone romantically and maybe one day he could be the one to change me. Even if he needed time, I would agree. 

 "I...I don't know what to say.." He mumbled. I glanced up as he was fiddling around with his thumbs nervously. He was no longer looking at me, but his eyebrows knitted together in what looked fairly similar to frustration...anger,even. 

 "How long have you felt this way..?" He asked quietly. 

 " Freshman year. "

 "So since you've known me?"

 I nodded. 

 "This is ridiculous" 

 those were the words I didn't expect him to say. Why and how was it ridiculous? I didn't understand. What was going on in his mind? What was he feeling? I just wanted to know. 

 "Its so..." He never finished banging his fist on the table in frustration. "Why tell me this now??" He asked a bit louder and more confidently that a few seconds ago. " and didn't you just break up with someone? How does that make you look, huh? " he asked.

Why was he bringing this up? He went through girlfriends faster than anything and he was telling me this? Sure, if dated a few boys in my time. I didn't tell Lance that the person I was saying was a boy. I guess if forgotten to tell him that I likes boys.

 "Not to mention you left out the part about you being gay! Pidge and Hunk know, right?? Why didn't you tell me? ?" 

 His voice was getting louder. It's bothering me. Why is it bothering me?

 "Because I knew you would just tease me all the time about it!!" I finally said in a defensive tone. 

 " Yeah, maybe so, but I would've been done with you liking dudes if you would've just told me! Now I have this feeling that you don't trust telling me anything at all! How can you possibly say you like me if you can't trust me enough to tell me one of the most important facts about you?! " 

 "Okay, yeah, I admit that I was stupid on that part. You should have known. But that doesn't give you a reason to get angry at me for it. So why can't you just accept that I made a mistake?!" I shouted back.

 " you know what else I want to know? " he interrupted. "What makes you think I would like you!? You told me this, knowing that I like girls, and just girls, and you still told me anyway!"

 " Yeah, maybe I knew I was a bit delusional! I just thought maybe you should know! "

 It almost scared the shit out of me when Lance suddenly stood, his chair falling and his hands slamming against the table. I slowly stood as well, but much less dramatically.

 "And how do I know you're not telling all the guys you like this??" He shouted.

 what was he talking about?

 "How many guys in this school have you already made out with!? Am I just another play thing to you?!" 

 Please stop...

 "Says the guy who has banged at least 3 different girls!!" I retorted.

 " Keith, I am a virgin!! " 

 "You told us you weren't!! How many lies have you been spitting out of your big mouth all this time?!" 

 " Keith would you just shut the fuck up?! You're not any better than I am! You've been lying about everything!! And you know what? I FUCKING HATE YOU!! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!! I ONLY TOLERATED YOU BECAUSE PIDGE AND HUNK TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD NO FRIENDS SO I DECIDED TO MAYBE SUCK IT UP AND TRY TO BE ONE!! THAT WAS BEFORE I REALIZED HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING DICK YOU WERE!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVER THINK I WOULD LIKE YOU, LET ALONE ROMANTICALLY?!? I'M NOT GAY, SO WHY CANT YOU JUST STOP?! " 

By the sound of Lance out of breath, I could tell he had concluded. The screaming had attracted a nearby staff member. Not only that, but Pidge and Hunk had rushed back into the room to calm Lance down.

I couldn't stop myself. Tears began quickly rolling down my cheeks. I didn't look up at anyone, running out of the room after Hunk softly saying my name.