Anorexia At It's Finest

"Sometimes Quiet Is Violent"

I splashed cold water on my overheating forehead. I was having a panic attack.

Would he actually rape me? Or was he talking about something else?

I need to calm down. I need to calm the fuck down.

I look into the mirror and take a deep breath. I throw my hood up to cover my face and my hair and slowly walk back into the classroom.

The movie is at the part where Todd is buying condoms with his dad. I sit quietly in my seat and put all my focus on the movie.

I will not make eye contact with anyone.

Class finally ends and I leave first and stride as fast as I can to history class. I run up two flights of stairs and hide in the back of the room as usual. This class is such a joke that I have time to just think.

Jenny walks in and takes her seat with her groupies and that disgusting little perve of a boyfriend, Brad.

I look straight down at my desk and take out my laptop.

Mr. Cardian walks in sleepily and slumps into his desk chair. He immediately dozes off leaving us with the whole class to do whatever the fuck we want.

Jenny wrote her name on the board along with her friends' to go to the bathroom. Everyone was just sort of chilling.

I started scrolling through tumblr and looking up band members on google. I need to distract myself.

"Did you think about my offer?"

I almost jumped out of my seat at this scary surprise.

"Yes," I say.

"Well?" Brad asks.

"No."

"No?"

"No."

I slam my laptop shut and toss it into my backpack. Writing my name on the board I ditch class and start walking.

I go to the nurse's office and she says I have a fever. I get to go home.

Finally.

I can't take anymore school. I walk to the park and sit hidden surrounded by trees.

A safe haven.

I unravel my headphones and shove one in each ear. Blasting "Twenty One Pilots", I try to think about today.

First day: Hell.

I don't want to know what tomorrow will bring. I don't want to know what next week will bring. I just want to sit in silence.

Sometimes quiet is violent

This song had always spoken to me. It talks about how we use music to cover our fears and troubles and everything that bothers us in life. But the song is saying that his car radio was stolen and now he's forced to face everything he's been trying to hide. The music is what we use to hide behind, but fear always comes back.

Faith is to be awake and to be awake is for us to think and for us to think is to be alive

Music is my escape. I swear everybody says that, but once I fell into depression music was all I had. It's all I've ever had.

I stumble into my house. I despise my house. My mom decided that we needed a huge mansion, mostly for the reason she hates being near me, and it's absolutely ginormous. I get made fun of for being rich. I wish I could be normal.

I throw my bag on my bed and lie down on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

Unlike other people I put all my posters on the ceiling so I can see all the things that give my life meaning. It's a comfort, like hot tea in the morning, I wake up to the faces of safety and fall asleep to them. My mom thinks I'm a psycho.

I take my bag out and analyze my amount of homework, I can't believe this can happen on the FIRST day of school.

Okay I'm exaggerating.

It's only a paper for health asking puberty questions. Mostly including awkward ones about development and all that shit.

Name: Cassie Brown

Date: 9/3/14

When was your first period?

7th grade, in the summer

Have you experienced sex? If so, did you practice safe-sex?

No

Have you finished puberty?

No

Do you ever experience "sexual frustration"?

No

The rest of the questions are about if you've had sex or sexual frustration so

I left them alone. I can't even imagine what the boys questions are.

My stomach grumbles out of hunger.

I haven't ate anything today have I?

Jogging down the stairs I grab a bag of Ruffles and a can of coke. I've never really cared about my weight or how much I eat, I have no friends and no boyfriend so therefore I can stuff my face.

I head back to my room, hands full of contained heaven. My body flops onto my black comforter and I fall into the love-website known as YouTube. This is what my sad life consists of.

"Time for dinner!" My mother yells from downstairs.

Finally time for dinner.