Just random things

Crying

Current date: July 14th, 2018
(This is about to get really deep and depressing)

In the past few days I've been thinking a lot (psh when am I not) and I've sorta started realizing that I don't really cry that much. By crying I mean not just dry sobs and not just tears by themselves.

There are so many times where I want to cry and just let it all out, but I'm a very reserved person when it comes to my feelings. I don't admit to things about myself until I know for a fact that they're true. Such as what I'm about to get into.

I keep my emotions bottled up for a reason. I feel a need to keep up a facade of just full happiness all the time, but on the inside I'm a total wreck of emotions.

I really don't give two shits about what people think of me. Or so I thought. I've started realizing that yeah, I don't care what strangers think of me, or people who I don't know very well, but I actually care a lot about what the people I'm close to think about me. So I keep anything that they could judge me for (even though I know they wouldn't) bottled up inside my head.

So sometimes I have these moments when I want to cry out all my emotions and just let go of them. I know the best time is when I'm home alone and nobody's there to judge me, but there's always the thought in my mind that my parents will come home in the middle, or someone will call me, and I won't be able to collect myself.

In the end I never get the chance to let out all my emotions. Anytime I try it either comes out as dry sobs, a few years, or nothing at all. The last time I genuinely cried was when something happened with Rambo (but I'm not gonna get into that. TheMusicalTrash knows what I'm talking about), and I hated it. I hated feeling so vulnerable since I was on FaceTime with Kaylen at the time. I hated letting her see that side of me that just couldn't get her shit together and collect herself.

I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. I just needed to get that out.

If you've read this far I want to genuinely thank you for putting up with reading about my messed up emotions. If you have any advice please dm me. I honestly really need it right now. Thank you so much. I love you all from the bottom of my messed up, contradicted heart.