Just random things

broken

small warning this is gonna get really personal and emotional, so get ready for a roller coaster

it seems like every moment i get an urge to talk to you. whether it's a goodnight text, or something funny happened that i want to share with you. but then i remember. you broke my heart and i can't do those things anymore. today i reread that song i wrote for you. you know, the one i showed you the day before you left me. a few words really spoke to me:

"stay for a while
and i'll stay around"
guess that didn't work out.

"so this is my way
of saying i'll stay
cause you, you make me strong

so please don't prove me wrong
and make me weak"
congrats. you gave that part a whole new meaning.

do you know how long i cried after reading your text from 1 am? a text. you couldn't even be bothered to tell me in person. let me just say a breakup is not my favorite way to wake up, followed by an hour long breakdown. i still break down at the very thought of you. but most of all, rereading that song i devoted to you, worked so hard on, and held so close to my heart, broke it into pieces.

you didn't know this, but my first and only relationship before you both started and ended with a text. when we started in person, i had high hopes. guess i was wrong. what we had felt like it was maybe a year, but no. not even a month. with you it felt like heaven on earth, but now it seems like hell, being so happy, only to have it ripped away before you get the chance to make the most of it.

my dad never knew we were together. i told my sister because she didn't know you before hand, and now she never will. i didn't tell my mom until the day you left when broke down in the car. she said not to be mad at you, to try to still be your friend and be there for you. but how can i do that when i even took the picture off your contact so i wouldn't have to see your face everyday?

all i won't now is to sit in my room and cry and never come out, always thinking "how am i ever going to face you?" just the thought of seeing you in person makes me want to break down right then and there. i get that you were scared of the consequences, but you couldn't even be bothered to listen to my advice "just because something is hard and terrifying doesn't mean you throw it all away." i lost some really close people in my life because i didn't throw it all away at the first sign of trouble, and it was most definitely for the best.

the night before, i was with a friend, and we were playing the sims, and she said to me "wow this is completely opposite. my sim has a great dating life going and yours is just hopeless." thats stuck with me since she said it.

i'm just tired of every little thing reminding me of you. i can barely open my songbook to write because your song is the first page. i've has that book since christmas of 2015, but you are what motivated me to actually use it. when i take of my shoes to lay on my bed i think of the one time with my friends, all of us sitting with our shoes off on my bed, and you saying you were scared to take your shoes off. pretty sure nobody else caught it, but i did and i thought it was sweet, but now that memory is sour. the gingerbread house we made together that sits on the furniture piece next to the dining table. i hate looking at it, but i can't bring myself to throw it out, because that was such a good memory i hate to let go of.

to quote my dearest and most trusted friend:
"
i love you
never mind
                      "
...

i loved you