Just random things

Mental health update

Yeah I uh haven't posted in a while. Sorry about that

Heads up: this is about to get pretty personal. I don't normally talk that in depth about my mental health on here, but I feel the need to talk about it.

(Disclaimer: I have not been diagnosed with anxiety disorder or depressive disorder, or seen by a medical professional, so I won't claim I have these disorders, but it's easier to refer to them as simply anxiety and depression.)

First off, I've always had problems, as I've recently learned, but when I was younger I just thought everyone felt the same way. Now that I've come to terms with my mental health issues (anxiety, depression(which is relatively new to me)), I feel like they've gotten to a really high point. When I started school this year, my anxiety peaked to the highest it's been at that point, and now it's gone up even more.

I went from about 4-5 anxiety attacks per week to 0-2 per week for a while, and now I have one almost every day, sometimes multiple in a day. I'm under constant stress and I sweat so much from the high levels of anxiety(tmi ik). I don't want to go too much into my possible depression, but it's very prominent in my everyday functioning.

Today in class I went to the bathroom for about five minutes so I could calm down from an anxiety attack/hot flash. My friend (bless her soul) was really concerned when I came back and made the "I'm gonna puke face". I've gotten to a point where my mental heath is taking a toll on my physical health, which has led to the desire to see a therapist.

Now obviously, I can't make an appointment for myself, so I need to have one of my parents do that. I've opened up to my mom about my issues, but she tends to devalidate my pain by saying things like "are you feeling blue?" Or "honey, everybody has anxiety" and I know she doesn't mean anything negative by it, but those comments are what keep me from flat out asking her to see a medical professional. On the other hand, she doesn't pick up on the constant hints I drop. 

I've always had this mindset that I have to "prove my pain" since I was young. Just today, while sitting in the bathroom about to throw up, I realized how often I used to try to make myself physically sick in order to get out of school, family things, etc. and that's not a Norma thing normal people do. I've seen people fake an illness, but I've actually tried to make myself sick, and I'm pretty sure that was a big part of my anxiety growing up. That mentality of "proving it" has stuck with me through the years, and it's not healthy. All the more reason to see a doctor about this.

Ok I think I'm gonna end this here before I end up crying myself to sleep (again).  (Irl friends if you're concerned, text me. I'll let you know now that it's difficult talking about this in person or over the phone.)

thanks to everyone who actually took the time to read this. I love you all