I want to disappear. I don't think I want to die as such, I just don't want to exist, either.
That's it really, I just don't want to exist anymore. If I could just flick a switch and not be here anymore, I would. I would do it straight away, no questions asked. I suppose that switch is basically a permanent one, a switch of life or death.
That's the thing though, I'm unsure whether it's suicide I want. I want to not be here but I don't want to be dead.
So am I suicidal? Is it suicidal to just want to disappear?
I hate the word 'suicide', it's such an ugly word to hear and to say and to type. It sounds evil, like it's a sin. I don't think wanting to die is a sin. Even worse than the word 'suicide' is the phrase: 'commit suicide'. People commit crimes and sins. To me, death isn't a sin or a crime, it's a release and nothing else.
A release. I suppose that's what I want. A release from my life as it is right now.
I don't have a stable home life. People like me. I'm the girl who's always there for people. The girl who's always happy.
Broken. That's probably the best way to describe how I feel.
I have nothing. I might have friends, but I don't have anyone to talk to in the way I'm expressing it online. I don't have a lovely family and I don't have a close relationship with my mom. But I can never force myself to tell her how screwed up I am; and I probably never will. In a strange way I'm alone, and I'm starting to realize that my loneliness is self-enforced.
That's what I do, really. I self-destruct. I push people away. Not on purpose, but there must be a reason I am yet to trust anyone in my life enough to know who and how I really am at times. I just subconsciously ruin things for myself, and I don't know why. The moment things start to go right, I do something and everything seems to fall apart again.
And my friends? Yeah, there are loads. But none of them know me, because I can't bring myself to tell them. I don't want to tell them how screwed up I am, I want to help people, I like to give advice. I want to be the friend who's always there. I want to look after people and make it okay for them. But I don't want anyone to do that for me.
I don't want help. That's another strange thing. I really, really don't want help. I don't even know why. Perhaps it's because I'm incredibly stubborn, I have trouble letting anybody help me do things. So anyway, I don't like help and I don't like sympathy. If I do something, it has to be on my terms. I don't want to rely on anyone else. If I want to change, it's going to be on my terms. If I want to die, it will be on my terms. But like I said, I'm not sure if it's death I want, because all I really want is to disappear.
At the moment, it's like I'm trapped inside myself. I'm basically a thousand and one contradictions: Happy but also sad.
Loud but also quiet.
Independent, but also lonely. Fearless, but also afraid. Intelligent, but not clever. I love aspects of life, but I want to disappear.
I want to disappear. It's not a case of wanting to die. It's not that I wish I'd never been born. I literally just want to fade away and disappear. I can't even explain it properly. However I phrase it, it just sounds suicidal. And I don't think I want to die, and like I said, suicide's an ugly word. I want to cease to be. I believe in God, but I do feel there's an afterlife of some kind. I don't want an afterlife. I don't want a life anymore, and life is so closely connected with death. But again, am I suicidal? Are these the thoughts of someone who actually does want to die? I don't know. I just don't know.
That's what scares me, really.
It's not even like I feel this way all the time. I mean it's always there, in the back of my mind, but I also have moments of true happiness. I do laugh at times, I do feel part of things a lot of the time. It's just that more often than not, I sit with a huge group of friends and people who care, but I don't even feel like I'm there at all. I feel distant and alone a lot of the time.
I feel hopelessly disconnected. It's as though my sadness is self-indulgent. The kind of girl with real issues who just makes up this screwed up depression. I don't think I'm one of those girls, because those girls share their depression with the world. They make it into fashion. We live in a society where the more fucked up you are, the more you deserve your sadness.
And is it sadness? Or is it something darker? I hate questions, but they're all I really have at the moment... "Am I suicidal? Am I depressed? Should I do more? Should I tell someone? Is it worth anything? Why do I try?" And the worst question of all: "What's the point?"
I hate asking myself that, because in truth, there is no point. We're all going to die anyway, so who cares? I know that there are a lot of things in life that matter, but I'm yet to find any true meaning to my life.
I'm kind of useless. I don't really do anything. I lie in bed at 2 am and feel so alone, then I come up with all these big plans: to help people, to be a better person, to be the girl I'd want to be friends with. But truly, that changes nothing in the end. Because I wake up exhausted, struggle to get up in time, rush to get dressed and grab my books, then it's out the door and off to school for another day of mess, confusion and never moving forward or putting any of my plans in action.
Basically, I'm screwed up and alone. I'm 19 and I feel hopeless a lot of the time. Sometimes I tell myself that it will all be okay someday, and a lot of me is sure that it will be, even now as I type this. But another part of me tells me that unless I can somehow change, and stop being the sad little girl with selfish depression, things will work. And I try. I really do try.
So yeah, I tell myself things will work out in the end, that I won't be sad forever. And yeah, I do believe it sometimes. But there are also times when I feel so hopeless. Because the only way I can sort myself out is by beating this sadness. And I guess a small part of me clings to my sadness. Because in a way, the sadness is keeping me safe.
By feeling miserable alone on a near constant basis, it makes it easier for me to deal with people. I'm untouchable to anything people say to me or behind my back, as I simply don't care. Because no amount of dislike from others can be equal to my dislike for myself. In that way, my sadness keeps me safe.
If I let myself truly care about things, I'm likely to get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want my heart broken. So perhaps that's why I never let people get too close to me. I'm scared and protecting myself. But why?
Like I've said many times already, I don't want to kill myself, as such. I don't want anyone to have to find me dead. I don't want to be remembered as the teenager who let no one in, then ruined the life of her family by killing herself. I don't want to die at all really. What I want is for everything to end. There's a difference. I want things to be over, I don't want to be dead.
It's just that if I suddenly got hit by a car and lost my life, I wouldn't be too upset. Maybe I do actually want to die, I just don't want to be the one to do it. I can't be the one to do it. I don't want to screw things up for my family or anyone else. I'm a screwed up person, but they brought me up horribly. I had an terrible childhood, both of my parents make me so depressed and have always made me feel so shitty. I don't want to dream. I want to close my eyes at night for good, and for them to stay shut. I don't want to go to a heaven or any kind of afterlife. I want to be deeply asleep for all eternity, and I don't want to put myself to sleep, because that would destroy things entirely.
I want to disappear.
