adding onto the confession(s)
for some reason, there was a phase i went through where my feelings were so easily hurt that i lost track of my identity
someone could so much as look at me the wrong way and i would cower in shame
i remember i was at school waiting for my parents to pick me up and i started dancing and i got really into it until a big scary fifth grader laughed at me.
i didn't dance after that. i still get nervous when i dance but i try not to let it bother me anymore.
another occasion like this is i was swimming and pretending i was ariel because i used to be obsessed with ariel and my mom overheard me singing and her being my mom and liking to tease then mocked me. i was so embarrassed that i stopped immediately.
every once in a while she would do that again, mocking me singing and pretending i was ariel
i know she didn't mean to hurt me like that and i'm sure it probably was funny to her and she didn't think much of it but honestly that's the problem i had with that.
stuff like this is why i refused to sing in front of people (again, i still do it now but i'm trying to be less nervous)
every year during those school festivals when my class would be forced to sing i would refuse. the most i ever did was mouth the words. i quit the choir at church, i only sing in the shower if i'm home alone, i've mastered the art of whispering under my breath and i am so mad at myself for being too scared to do anything about it
i was so vulnerable and insecure i let random strangers with unoriginal and downright stupid comments control my life- fuck, i was so impressionable i tried to convince myself i liked guys, can you fucking imagine?
i cut the people who made me think i liked guys from my life fuck them for looking at me like i was a swamp monster covered in mud and slime after i told them i liked girls
fuck- now i'm getting upset just thinking about it
i told them to their faces they were my closest and most trustworthy friends and just- the way they looked at me when i came out i just went right back in and internalized some homophobia along the way it was fucking awful
