So today i hung out with some buds, two of which i haven't hung out with since the beginning of the year.
But, hanging out them kind of opened my eyes more than they already were about the whole growing up thing.
Like, they're already having boyfriends and banging and doing drugs ad shit like where did the time go? Also they're like fourteen-fifteen like bro chill wyd
Still tho wow holy shit the people i've been hanging out with since preschool aren't virgins and do drugs like what happened
It's scary to be honest
Like, there's this guy. I don't know him, but my friend did.
But, like, he died. He fucking died. I'm pretty sure he was around my age. I didnt ask what happened, but holy shit.
I kind of forgot that you can die at any time. Death doesn't care about how old you are, it's terrifying.
It was so weird, these people that were kids just like me sell and buy weed already. my friend was giving tips (ha ha pun) on sucking dick like what the fuck.
People have multiple exes already and here i am, kind of floating in some weird empty void. I want to know how it feels, y'know? Like, not to do drugs or sex but to like have somebody.
I just, idk, i don't know how someone can get so attached to somebody. The closest i ever got to that was third grade, and i didn't even want to date her. When will it happen to me? When will i get some stupid crush? Probably never, at this rate. It sucks.
Goddammit my standards are too high but i'm never gonna lower them because tbh this is about as low as it gets (lmao my standards are 1: be in the hs fandom and 2: be a girl pls and that's it)
What's really ironic tho is that my buds were talking about weed when earlier today we got the "don't do drugs" talk at school.
I think i'm having a mini existential crisis because we'RE ALL MEANINGLESS WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE AND NOBODY LIVES FOREVER AND WHEN WE DIE WE'RE GONNA LEAVE PEOPLE BEHIND AND aARSARDGSADHUGHSUAHAASAFDFASASVWdfxHh
I think the dEprEsSiON is cOmInG bAck oh n o
Lmao kill me please
Life's not fair, is it?
I'll never get to be king, and you... Will never see the night of day again.
My earbuds are being shitty and doing that tjing where the volume randomly goes up REALLY LOUD and i hope it blows my head up one day
But no it wont itll just make me deaf and annoy the heck out of me
Because nothing ever goes my way hahah
Why do people assign homework like *lame comedian voice* what's up with that?
Sometimes i just want to cry but no, stupid emotions crying isn't allowed
Like yes u can tear up because of wind and shit but crying because you're sad? ONLY FOR STUPID REASONS.
LIKE THE STUPIDEST SHIT D00D LIKE I'LL BE THINKING ABOUT MY DUMBASS OCS AND START CRYING LIKE THE BITCH THAT I AM LIKE WTF?
CRY ABOUT YOUR OWN GODDAMN LIFE NOT FICTIONAL CHARACTERS YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
CRY ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE REAL. CRY ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER.
god, i hate myself sometimes. and by sometimes i mean all the time.
i'm sO STUPID, i CAN'T EVEN BOTHER TO TURN IN HOMEWORK AND MY GRADES ARE SHIT BECAUSE OF IT I NEVER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER I JUST KEEP GOING DOWN
HOW DEEP
HOW DEEP AM I MAKING MY GRAVE
I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO REACH THE CENTER OF THE EARTH AND THEN DIG MY WAY TO THE OTHER FUCKING SIDE
AND ONCE I RUN OUT OF DIGGING SPACE YOU THINK I'M GONNA STOP?
HELL FUCKING NO.
I'LL JUST DIG ANOTHER HOLE IT'LL JUST BE AN INFINITE CYCLE OF HOLES UNTIL I PASS OUT AND DIE FROM EXHAUSTION why am i posting this online where people can see what's wrong with me why am i like this i don't even want attention tbh i'm just being a little bitch and i need to stop
i need to stop.
wow i can't open up to my therapist but i can puke out my entire life story online i really need to check myself
