The Coalition of Sierra J. Rubenstein

AWW II: Love and Scissors

Before I continue on with depicting the 2017 year in our relationship, I should talk about Sierra's mental health in greater detail with the next major event would depict one of her most severe break downs. I had already talked about her attempt at suicide when her friend Makayla asked her to flee the state. Sierra has contemplated about three more times as she brought it up I conversation. It normally came up when there was a sort of change or adversity that presented itself. What came up before the second pregnancy was a scary attempt. Sierra came home after a hard day of work. She texted me on my break how bad work was and how they were not giving her a break for the day again. She got off late because she was back at my parents around 6:30. Sierra walked up to my room and closed the door without saying a word or looking for dinner. My parents and I knew she was pissed and I figured I fucked up sometime that day. I probably did not comfort her enough. I waited a few minutes before going upstairs just to wait for what Sierra was going to do. I walked in to find Sierra sitting by the door. I had to squeeze around her to get in. I had no idea what she was doing, so I asked her why she was sitting in front of the door. Once I squeezed in, I saw her holding a pair of adult scissors that she took from work. Sierra was sticking her arm out while crying. "What's going on, Sierra?"
"I-I can't do this anymore." said Sierra.
"What do you mean?"
"I can't do...THIS. My life is miserable. I have a shitty job that treats me like shit for just a little bit of money. I'm not in school anymore. I can not get a degree for a better job. I'm in so much debt that I can not get out of. What is the point of living anymore? It's better that I just die. No one will miss."
"I will miss you. I don't know why you are resorting to suicide, but you have your whole life ahead of you. Taking the easy way out is just an insult to the memories you made with those around you. You will only be showing everyone that you wasted you life away. You were given the gift of life. Live it to the fullest even when the going gets tough. Life is never going to be easy, but your not alone. You have me."
"How am I going to fix this? I'm in so much shit." answered Sierra.
"I can help you. I can teach you how to manage your money and get your life in better shape. You just have to let me help you for once."
"You just don't understand what I'm going through!"
This is the point I just snapped. Her last line is Sierra's most frequent and famous one. No matter how empathetic I am towards Sierra's issues, she always complains that I don't understand. Instead of explaining it, she normally rants on about her ailment always antagonizing me for not being caring. She uses this line as a leverage move to hang over my head as if her problems are bigger than life itself and I should feel sorry for her. This happened too many times before during the attempts or fights that she starts. My resentment for her use of this statement boiled over in the conversation. "That is enough, Sierra! I'm tired of you saying that '[I] don't understand'. You clearly don't want to work on any problem you have. You get on me all the time for not share my feelings with you even when I just shut my brain off and relax, I have to have some feeling to share or you get on my for not being committed to this relationship. But when it comes to you, God forbid you for fucking sharing and actually cutting the stress down in your life. Grow up you hypocrite. All I have been doing is helping you, but I'm getting tired of going through this with you. Take my help or stop doing this."
"You don't talk to me like that. You don't know what I've been through."
"I do. You have no idea the pain I had to endure in my life. You should be happy with a boyfriend that understands hardships and emotional disfunction. I can't seem to understand why this is hard for you to open up".
Sierra then moved the scissors away from her arm and replied back, "fuck you" before she threw the scissors at me. The broad part of the blade stuck me in the jaw leaving a bruise. I grabbed the scissor off my bed and threw it right back at Sierra in a fit of rage. I'm thankful I missed her. How I threw the scissors, the end of the blade would have stabbed Sierra in the head. She walked out of my room and out of my house. My parents did not hear a thing, but knew since Sierra was storming out of the house again that she was mad at me. Once Sierra cooled down and I texted her to coming back in, we worked things out and she agreed to me helping her to become an adult.Now moving back to the current time frame following Sierra's second pregnancy. I did mention Sierra went through a change. Again work was bad. She had been stressed out and her favorite thing (other than saying "you don't understand") was taking her frustrations out on me. She shows this by hitting me, throwing things, and getting pissed at any statement towards her.