The Coalition of Sierra J. Rubenstein

Liberation Part III: The Changing

September had been the month that I saw a significant change in Sierra. I already talked about how Sierra acted at bowling when we returned. Back at our apartment, I started staying later at practices and at the Commons (food hall). My reason was out of fear of having another fight with Sierra. There was a fight every other day between us and it would just be out of no where. What I started to suspect was Sierra was starving herself again. It took another fight for me to find out that Sierra was not eating. She would get one small meal a day and that was if she made something at all. This began the trend that I had to start taking care Sierra's food needs. On breaks, Sierra may snack on some goldfish or pretzels. That would be all she normally ate until dinner time. She would ask me to prepare her food for lunch. It would be something like mac & cheese, leftovers, or anything to heat up for her. She would rush home and eat some days and others just take and go with little to say. As a good boyfriend I decided to surprise her once a week with Chick-fil-a. I would hide it in the apartment for her to find and try to leave clues for her. I would try to play coy about it and say I forgot to make her something and when she would open the fridge, microwave, or oven; she would find a spicy sandwich with waffle fries and a frosted lemonade. Sierra grew to expect this once a week and would always search the apartment. When I did not get Chick-fil-a, I tried to jazz up a sandwich or her mac & cheese with extra ingredients around the home. When Sierra got home, she never ate dinner most nights unless I made something for her. I get that she worked all day, but why was I always responsible for her eating. Sierra would prepare meals for lunches and dinners every week, but would something would always happen: food would expire, Mya would eat it first, or Sierra got tired of it. Planning meals was then reduced to just our two days of cooking. I do not know why she could not go through the cabinets that were stuffed with food she wanted, but whatever. You would think someone who went most of the day without eating might show signs of weight loss, but she remained looking overweight. I personally prefer a woman thicker rather than skinny, but Sierra was on that borderline of overweight to stage one obesity. Then again I would try and treat out for a dessert once and awhile after a long workout.
After taking on more responsibilities with money and making food for Sierra, the fighting still occurred. I should clarify on what the fighting was like: it consisted of Sierra in a bad mood just yelling at me. It would start by me not doing anything or just anything that slightly ticked her off. Some have started because I never kissed her all day, I did not attempt to clean when I was studying, I did not help out with the dishes when it was her turn to do them, or because she was just in a bad mood. It is funny how Sierra expected me to take care of the dishes when it was her time to do them, but I received no help with mine when I was busy with work. The point of us splitting the chores by week was so no one was stuck doing everything. The fights were getting to me. I never really yelled unless Sierra started accusing me of things, but I started removing myself from it. I sat there staring off not saying a word or continued to study while getting yelled at. My next mistake with Sierra is not talking during a fight. That always pissed her off even more because to her, it was a form of giving up on the relationship. I had to tell Sierra how I felt at that point. The next fight that happened I said explained to Sierra in an exhausted and defeated voice, "I'm sorry, but I can't keep doing this. Sierra, I'm not talking because it just prolongs the fight. Anything I say just pisses you off. I have told you that I love you in a fight and you got mad at me for saying that. I don't want to fight anymore, I'm tired of it. I have too much going on in my life to just fight with you."
"Well, I don't want to fight either–" replied Sierra.
"Then stop making everything a problem. You need to stop taking out you bad mood on me because I'm the only person you have. Stop pushing me away or you're going to find yourself alone. I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just trying to end every fight. I can't keep doing this with you, Sierra. It's either you respect me or lose me, because I'm not your punching bag."
She locked herself in our bathroom after that. Storming off was Sierra's defense mechanism for fights and confrontations. Either storming out of the apartment and locking herself in her car, or locking herself in our bathroom. She did this a lot after every fight, so I actually asked her why she does it. Sierra responded, "I just want to get some peace and quiet from you. I hate this apartment and how I just can't get away". Yeah what she said hurt me. Why would you want to be here if your so preoccupied with getting space? We only spent the night together. We would go the entirety of the day separated. She was with her friends at work everyday while I was at class and practice, so why was that not enough? I could not do anything without Sierra always tagging along and she did not want to do anything if I was not dragged along. What should be taken from here is that nothing really changed for us and what Sierra blurted out a few minutes after our conversation. Sierra acts like she was coming clean with something until she tells me how she was molested by her brother. That was suppose to be the other reason for Sierra starting fights with me. Her past trauma with her abusive father and creepy brother is the cause of why she starts fights with me. Both of these things have come up after a serious fight, but quite some time after everything was said and done. Sierra never said she was the problem, but other people for the fights. How convenient.
The night I told her how I felt about the fighting, I experienced another night terror. I have had a history of sleep walking and talking, but I only experienced night terrors in great distress. I had two nights of these back when I was scared to die from cancer. I had two in our relationship. The first one resulted in me punching Sierra in my sleep after a fight. The second was that night of me telling her off. Sierra told me I was up all night screaming and flailing about saying, "I hate you"! I did this for a few hours according to her. I remember my dream that night as I was stuck in this maze of mirrors. All I could see when I looked at them was Sierra. I started screaming at the mirrors saying: "I hate when you do this to me, I hate what you put me through, I hate you, I hate you"! I started smashing all the mirrors as I cried and screamed more at all the broken shards. I never told Sierra about my dream, I just knew that it would turn into another fight. I guess from what Sierra saw in my night terror caused the next thing the following night. I had no practice that day, so I came home early. Sierra came back home in a pissy attitude and made a comment that I never do anything right around the apartment. I got up and started walking towards the bathroom as Sierra asked what I was doing. "I'm going to take a fucking shower or am I do that wrong too"?! Nothing was said after that as I waited Sierra to join me in the shower like we normally did together. I waited and waited for Sierra to come in, but she never showed. I finished up and put on a towel as I expected a shouting match on the other side of the bathroom door. I waited to hear something, but I heard faint sobbing from the other side. I opened up the door to hear this frantic sobbing from Sierra. I first thought how good our bathroom was for noise muffling, but then feared what was going on with Sierra. I tried to sneak past her on the futon over to the closet so I could put on boxers. I figured something bad was going to happen and I thought I should put some clothes just to be ready. As I started sliding by the futon, Sierra looked up and leapt at me grabbing both of my arms. Sierra pulled me down to the futon as my towel fell off. She wrapped her arms and body around my chest and continued sobbing on me. Sierra began crying out, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". I asked her what was wrong and she explained how sorry she was for acting so mean. She did not mean to keep taking out her anger and frustration on me. Then Sierra started pleading for me not to leave her. Sierra then started kissing my chest and neck as her face was covered in snot, drool, and tears. She was smearing her face all over me body and I was trying to hold in the vomit I accumulated from Sierra grossing me out. I settled with her as I explained she needed to change her ways. She promised me and I took her back that night, but the thing was Sierra threw her self in a panic-attack when I was in the shower. Sierra was hitting herself too. I had to make sure she would not harm herself anymore. So I spent the night holding Sierra and cleaning her up until she calmed down. I thought I would need to drive Sierra to the hospital for the panic-attack.
I want to discuss one of the biggest mistakes I have ever done in our relationship. I have been debating when exactly in time that this occurred. It either took place shortly before Sierra's little meltdown or two weeks after. Anyways, Sierra and I decided to make a trip out to the outskirts of Ocean City. I was looking for some batting cages to practice at for baseball season. I first spent time looking through Berlin if they had any open cages, but they did not. I then listened to Sierra and decided to head to Ocean City where Sierra remember seeing one at an amusement park. The problem with our trip was that we had a late start. We never left until Sierra came home from work around 5:30 that day. I brought Sierra along for a couple of reasons: 1.) Sierra had been accusing me of cheating and me going out to something I have not done on a regular bases would make it seem sketching. 2.) I wanted to be around Sierra and do some activities with her despite the mood and temper she had been projecting on me. 3.) It was going to be a fight if I did not bring her or ask. Sierra was having another bad day; actually, Sierra was having a bad week. She was not happy to see me when she got home. On the whole car ride, Sierra had her full display of the temper brewing in her. I thought if she could vent out a little more to me, then she maybe in a better mood. I was wrong. I do not know how Sierra formed the correlation of having issues at work to making me the problem. I may not remember exactly what Sierra said to transition to me, but I started noticing her complaining about more I can do. At one point I believe Sierra was blaming me for making things at work more difficult. Sierra was probably referring to her friend Mya giving her a hard time at work all because Mya does not like me. It was definitely not the first time Mya has done stuff like this. She just hates the fact that Sierra is with a man. Then Sierra started complaining again that I do not do enough around the house to help. I needed to do more of Sierra's chores, such like the dishes when it is her turn, for her because she is too tired from work and I never do anything all day anyways. I could not believe what Sierra was saying to me. Then she begins to rant on how miserable her life is being in Salisbury and started accusing me making her put a hold on her life. She legitimately told me I was the reason for her painful rut that she has to endure living out with me. When this was going on, I pulled into the Tanger Outlet looking to get more gear after finding out the cages were closed at the new place we were heading to. I snapped at this point after Sierra ranted off about me. All my bottled up rage from Sierra fighting with me, yelling at me, blaming me, and her mental breakdowns was released in one angry moment. I shout at Sierra telling her to shut the fuck up. Right there, I knew my filter has shut off and anything I have censored is just going to pour out in a direct manor. I regrettably progressed on telling Sierra off. I do not remember exactly the words I said, but I know exactly the things I mentioned. I told Sierra she can not keep blaming me for her problems. I explained how her problems are all because of her. I am not the one who keeps quitting jobs and dropping out of a career. I told her that she was worthless for not pursuing anything fulfilling with her life. I keep encouraging and helping Sierra with getting a career, but she keeps fighting me every time. The last thing I said was Sierra needed to get her shit together and grow up. I could not believe that I spoke my mind like that. As soon as I was done talking, I knew I fucked up in what I said. I felt so bad for lashing out like that. Who in their right mind would call their girlfriend worthless? And that is the thing, I was not in my right mind. Sierra's negativity towards me had really worn me down and I just grew tired of the crap she pulled on me. I am still trying to repress the fact that I said those things. I felt awful. What happened next was Sierra frantically crying and trying to force her way out of my car. Sierra is screaming and demanding me to let her out of my car. I am refusing to park the car and let her out yet. I kept telling her we need to talk before anything else happened. My intention was to damage control what I just said. Sierra did not want to talk anymore (big surprise for once in our relationship) as she unlocked my door and jumped out of my car. I see Sierra sprinting off behind me through the outlet. I quickly parked my car and chased after Sierra on foot. I lose track of where Sierra ran off. When she turned the corner, I could no longer see her. I looked for alley ways, checked in shops, but I could not find her. It was very late at night and I was getting worried where she went. I started suspecting Sierra would find some people and make up some story about me trying to harm her so I would get in trouble. I spent 15 minutes looking for Sierra, but was unable to find her. I was calling and message Sierra, but she was ignoring everything from me. I gave up at that point and started heading back to my car that was completely on the other side of the outlet. I was done waiting around for Sierra and was coming to the conclusion of leaving to go back home. I did one last sweep before getting in my car and noticed Sierra at one of the far end stores talking with a couple who were late night shopping. I do not think they wanted to get involved in our situation, because they took off when they saw me walking up. Sierra again tried to run, but I caught her this time. I started talking about how sorry I was and tried to make things right. Sierra was not having any of that. She shouts out that we are breaking up because Sierra can not be with someone who thinks she is worthless. Just to skip over a lot of dialogue, I patched things up with Sierra that night. I talked her back in to my car and we went home to make up in many ways. After that day, I felt like I became so much more spineless to Sierra all because I did not want to feel bad for saying or dating anything awful again. Some people can argue that it was understandable for me to lash out like that, but it was wrong no matter how it is spun.