Blake and Aimee

Chapter 13: Aimee

I can't do this anymore. I can't. I can't. I CAN'T.

Mum: Aimee I want to see you

Aimee: Mum I can't right now okay? There is just a lot of stuff going on right now with school and now is just not a good time

Mum: Aimee I am your mother and you do as I say, I want to see you.

Aimee: No mum, I said no.

Mum: You are a disgraceful child Aimee. I have told you before, your father is toxic, he's brainwashing you- putting thoughts in your head that you don't believe. HE'S TURNING YOU AGAINST ME!

Aimee: LEAVE ME ALONE

I can't breathe. It's been going on for weeks now, it just keeps getting worse. Dad bought me a notebook a while ago, said that writing how I feel in these circumstances can help me process my emotions, help me think straight. I bring it to school everyday just in case my anxiety spikes. It doesn't necessarily start with my mother, it can be anything. School, social interaction, anything to put me out of my comfort zone. It starts small, just a nervous jittery feeling, but then it accelerates. My mind goes into overdrive, and I start to think about everything else in my life that makes me nervous or unsettled. It started with my mum texting me and making me feel like shit, then I start to feel shit about myself and start worrying about other things. Like body image, I have never felt comfortable in my body, no what how old I get and how much I change everything just seems out of proportion. Like now, I keep staring at my face in the mirror. My eyes seem uneven, my cheeks are too chubby, my forehead is too large, along with my ears, and- I look away from the mirror. But it's too late. The voice in my head starts.

You are ugly. Stop it. You know you are. Ugly and pathetic and stupid. How can your father stand you? He doesn't want you, he never has, that's why he left you and your mother in the first place. That's not true. You aren't good enough. Your grades will never be as good as your sister's when she was in school. She's better than you. More experienced than you. She had heaps of boyfriends when she was in high school. You can't even get someone to talk to you without scaring them off. There's Blake. Blake is using you because he's new and has no-one else. Once he gets better friends he'll ditch you. Like everyone else did. Please stop please stop PLEASE STOP!

It's always like this. Anxiety is not a simple condition. It takes a variety of forms, depending on the person and their circumstances. Some deal with it by immersing themselves in the world, distracting themselves from their problems by interacting with others. I prefer isolation. And music.

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

When people run in circles it's a very very...

Mad world. Gary Jules. Not one of the happiest songs but it always makes me feel better. I guess I'm odd like that. Happy things make me sad and sad things make me happy. I read John Green's new book recently, it's called Turtles All the Way Down. It's very good, in fact I think it might be my new favourite. My previous favourite was Looking for Alaska, I really liked the ambiguous ending- how you didn't know if Alaska actually committed suicide or whether it was an accident. But there is something about his new book that I can really relate to, as if it was written for me, about me. The main character Aza has severe anxiety when she comes into contact with germs, she thinks she'll get some crazy disease and die if she isn't careful. Sure, I'm no germaphobe or hypochondriac but I understand the anxiety she feeling. To the point where you can't see or think. To the point where its just you and your thoughts. The tightening gyre. The spiral that infinitely gets tighter and tighter and tighter. There is no escape from it. That is how it feels. And I don't know how to stop it, just how to slow it down.