The things I think of when I'm alone

A world of nothing

Hello everyone, firstly let me say I just happened to drift onto this app in a rather accidental manner. And, upon reading some of your stories, I must say for not believing in yourselves, you are a extremely courageous and inspiring people. I say this because you have shattered a costly visage that I, unwillingly, feel it is constantly my duty to maintain. Forgive me for being verbose, it is just I rarely speak about matters so personal in nature. Also, I shall try not to give you my life story but I feel like you deserve to know a bit more about the girl wasting so much of your time. I was sheltered very much at early age, or at least it always seemed like that to me, in hindsight, I sometimes question if I was just too idiotic to understand what was going on around me. Regardless, I performed poorly and was bullied terribly, even after switching schools however in my classmates defense, I was a bit strange. This trend held until I started high school, not that I was any less strange, but I loved the idea that I had another chance to start anew. I did my best to remain on the outskirts of classroom dealings, only peeking my head in to mock the world as teenage angst provokes us all to do at one time or another, I suppose. During this whole experience two things were growing in me and although I felt them escalate, I knew I was too young to understand the world enough to know if it was acceptable to feel this way or not. Those two things were a separation from people and a disgust of the world.

I am a machine, a mindless workaholic. I now stand on the repugnant heap of my efforts and stare into the event horizon which is my graduation and although I have been accepted into a university and am in line for scholarships, that, is if I can please my superiors by delivering a speech well that I have yet to have time to write for the class speaker committee on Tuesday, I am still not satisfied. I am sorry that took longer than expected, I hope some of you are kind enough to have made it to this point in my story. The truth is, I feel like I have forgotten how to live. I still don't understand what a relationship is, regardless of how close or distant it is. I trust no one although many trust me, I hope their trust is not misplaced. Even towards my family, who have always tried their best to support me, albeit sometimes misguided in their attempts, I feel little more than base respect.

I think I slipped into workaholism as a form of escapism, escape from the suicidal thoughts, leaving those friends who were no good to me behind. It was an easy mirage to set before me, the promise of a brighter future, but now I find no joy in my accomplishments. I have walked so many roads in search of something that brings me joy, of anything, just something to keep my wanting to get up in the morning, to dream about at night. I have tried, although painfully rending as it is, to reach out to others and form connections. It never is satisfying, I feel nothing towards them. I know this sounds petty, I know I have been complaining for what probably seems like an eternity for you, I know it sounds like I am selfish and egotistical and foolish, and I agree with you. I just need to tell someone, I want to be more than this Hollow girl, I want to escape the grey cage of my desolace and feel true happiness. I just don't think it exists for me anymore. I have always contemplated suicide, I have prayed night after night (when I still believed it made a difference) that a higher power let me die while I sleep. I have started preparations for suicide but my attempts were never succeeding. I have always tried to delay what feels like the inevitable, because as with most things, once I reach that conclusion, I am not turning back. I just don't know how much longer I can, or want to for that matter, carry on like this.

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A/N:

Thank you for reading my story, I'm sorry to take up so much of your time, your eyes must be as sore as my thumbs as I type this away into my phone. I just needed to get this off my chest, it feels like it's been forever, and maybe it has, since I confided in someone and to just accept how dysfunctional and unhappy I really am.

- Hazelle