Together is enough // phanfiction

Part 13

Phil

The guys had spend the entire morning and afternoon on the beach, sitting there and talking. They talked about life, school, their homes. They told stories, jokes, they laughed together. What Phil thought would be a horrible day turned out to be not so bad. Dan had the ability to make him feel good again. When he was with Dan he didn't hate himself, he wasn't focussing on his imperfections anymore. All he saw was Dan.

At the end of the afternoon they were lying on their backs next to each other, still on the beach. 

"When did you know you were gay?" Phil asked. Dan grinned, "You know you ask a lot of gay related questions." Phil felt his face turn red, he didn't respond. Dan took a deep breath, "I remember when I was little I watched Peter Pan, I must have been around eight or so." Phil turned his face sideways so he could look at Dan while he talked. "And I felt like... butterflies when I looked at Peter Pan." Dan smiled at the memory. "And I kept dreaming about it. Dreams that we would run away together." 

Phil laughed, "Your first crush was Peter Pan?" "I guess." Dan shook his head laughing. "And I watched the movie like ten times in a row, like I couldn't get rid of that feeling. Of course my mom knew too at that moment." Dan ran his hand through his hair. "I don't think I ever really came out to my mom, we both just knew."

"What about your dad? I've never heard you talk about him." Phil said, still keeping his eyes on Dan's face. "He's not really in the picture, my mom was a teen mom and I was conceived during a one night stand so..." Phil felt kinda stupid that he never asked that before. "Do you know who he is?" Dan shook his head, "My mom doesn't even know, she used to be... kinda a party girl." 

Phil nodded looking back up at the sky. "Your mom sounds like actually the nicest person ever." Dan smiled, "Yeah, she is..." For a minute they just laid there in silence. Dan turned to Phil. "Phil..." "Yeah?" Dan hesitated for a second, before saying: "Are you gay?" 

Phil felt his heart started to race and his cheeks turning red. "eh.. w-why do you ask that?" he mumbled. "Phil..." Dan grinned, "You've asked about a dozen questions about my sexuality and my relationship with Spencer, your dad caught you watching gay porn, should I go on?" 

"Those things don't mean that I'm gay." Phil felt himself getting defensive. "No, I know, that's why I'm asking." Dan noticed Phil was really not comfortable with this conversation. "I'm sorry, that was rude to ask, you don't have to answer." Dan looked away from Phil, feeling kinda guilty. They both stayed silent for a while.

"I don't know..." Phil whispered. Dan looked back at him, staying silent so Phil had time to find his words. "I... I have these feelings, but... I don't.... I don't know how to label them. I don't know what they mean." Phil struggled to speak. He'd never said these things out loud before. "I know I'm not like most guys, but I don't feel comfortable putting myself in a box yet." Phil bites his lip, nervously waiting for Dan to answer. 

"Then don't," Dan finally said. "You don't have to rush this, just do what feels right. These things take time, I just happened to know really early, not everyone is like that." Dan looked at Phil who was staring into the sky. Phil tried to avoid eye contact, he felt embarrassed talking about this, he wasn't even sure why. 

Suddenly Phil felt Dan touching his hand that was laying in between them. That touch send a hundred shivers through his body, speeding up his breathing. Slowly Dan slid his hand into Phil's, intertwining their fingers. This made it feel like Phil's entire arm was glowing. His heart was pounding in his chest.

He felt that Dan lifted his hand up towards his face. Dan leaned a bit forward and pressed his lips on the back of Phil's hand, while looking him in the eye. Phil felt Dan's soft but warm lips radiating through his entire body. 

His mind was racing and suddenly it all become too much. He felt all his nerves screaming and he freaked out. He pulled his hand loose out of Dan's grip and sat up straight in one quick movement. "I think we should go back home." Phil said determined, got up and walked back to the car.

Dan sat up and rubbed his face with his hands, "fuck..." he whispered.

Dan

Dan dropped Phil off after the most awkward car ride in the history of car rides. Fuck, why did I have to do that. Why am I so fucking stupid. Dan punched the steering wheel out of anger. He felt like such an idiot. The guy just told me he didn't even know if he was gay and I thought kissing his hand was a good response. "FUCK" Dan yelled. Of course Phil wasn't into him. Just because they shared some personal details doesn't mean he likes you in that way. And now he ruined it. Whatever special connection he thought they had, it was gone now.

After he parked his car in front of his house he stormed inside. "Honey, where are you coming from so late?" he heard his mom say. He couldn't even respond, he ran upstairs immediately. Of course he's not attracted to me, I'm the laughingstock of the school. I'm pathetic. "What was I thinking?!" Dan said to himself, furiously slamming his bedroom door behind him. He started pacing around his bedroom, whispering "fuck" over and over. 

Dan had never felt so ashamed in his life. He made a new friend and within three days he already managed to mess it up. He let himself fall on the bed face first, when he hissed out of pain. For a second he forgot his bruises. He put his face in his pillow, screaming into it out of pain, frustration and anger. That's how he stayed until he fell asleep that night.