The things I think of when I'm alone

I'm lonely & frustrated

I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for more than 11 years, a quarter of my life has been dealing with this living hell. I don't remember the last time I was genuinely happy, I noticed my depression sometime in high school when I started having my first suicidal thoughts.

I have attempted suicide multiple times already but I have never been able to take that final step for one reason or another but mainly it was fear. I'm afraid of the pain but what really scares me is waking up again.

I tried opening up to my parents but they don't understand. They think I am depressed because of school and my future and sure that's part of it but it's not the whole thing. I spent an hour talking to them trying to explain that school and my future isn't the cause but I couldn't get through to them. They tried to tell me that everyone has those days where they don't want to live and sure I bet many people have that thought but how many of them think about actually killing themselves as I have? How many nights of sleep have they lost because thoughts of suicide and self loathing invading their minds. How can they say they understand and then tell me to not think depressing thoughts or just think about happy things? I want to yell at them, "DON'T YOU THINK I'VE TRIED! I GO TO BED EVERY NIGHT WISHING THAT I WAS NORMAL AND THAT THESE THOUGHTS STOP. IF IT WAS THAT EASY, DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE ALREADY DONE IT!" But that won't help so I keep my mouth shut.

It's not that no one understands me but I haven't found anyone that does and I'm afraid to put myself out there. I can't take any more pain, I can't deal with the "understanding" of my friends and family, and most of all I'm tired. I'm tired of these thoughts, the advice of my "understanding" friends and family, life in general.