I feel like I'm dying. Like, I really just want it to end and I feel all alone and I don't know. I know that people would miss me if I died but now I just can't bring myself to really care as much. I'm just empty and numb and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Like, why was I born. Why do I exist? Why can't someone just kill me already. I'm stupid and worthless and I don't take good enough care of my pets and I'm not responsible but I just don't care. Like, why can't someone just end me already? I don't know. Everything's crashing down around me. My mom and sister are so fucking insensitive. They threaten to hurt me all the time and I can't do it. I feel like my life is falling apart when my family don't give two shits about me. They laugh every time I'm upset. Like, why am I not dead yet? I don't know. I don't see much point in anything anymore. Like, my meds really don't feel like they're doing much even though I'm probably better off than where I was a year ago but I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm so tired of living. I suck at everything. I suck at playing violin, I'm a horrible caretaker for my pets, I'm useless, I'm selfish, I feel like I'm just faking everything for attention and I don't even know if that's true. Like, am I faking this or is it genuine? And if it's genuine, why can't I be like normal people and not bring attention to my problems. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I be responsible and stop making excuses for myself. I should just get it together. I'm so tired of everything. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know if I'll make it as a pilot to be honest because I'm so fucked up in the head.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I really don't want to be here anymore.
I have to buy new shoes and I was sitting, thinking about it, mentally preparing to go "home" for the night from work, and my soul sank into itself. Buy shoes? ugh, I don't even want to be living anymore. I don't want to bother with any of this crap.
Maybe I should go on vacation. If someone offered me a place to stay for a month, free of any worries... I don't know... I feel like, eventually, I'd just end up depressed again. I don't want my life or any life. I don't t like being a human being. I hate this fucking body. Describing how I feel, it's gotten tiring. I don't really feel anything at an even level, always too much or too little. Who cares? I don't.
I have to wake up every day and keep myself fed and entertained and busy and it's just a fucking bother. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Just going around and around, letting the cast of characters I know leech what they will from me. I'm so tired of all this, but to kill myself is more proactive then I could ever be in life.
I'm unhappy, I'm so unhappy. If someone loved me, really loved me, would that fix it? No... If someone I already care for professed their love for me, would that fix it?
Fuck.
Yes it would.
I just don't see a point to existing if love isn't an option. For me to love, I have to change, or wait longer, or try harder, or... I've just got to work at it. "All you need is Love, Huggins."
Why isn't life enjoyable without validation by another human?
