Millions [Poetry]

drowning pleas

drowning pleas

october7twenty18

**trigger warning: suicide mention, general depressive vibes. watch out

i always held on for that fade to black cursive print. and i'm still hanging on.

my heart remembers the bombshells of yesteryear, the blood streaming from fresh wounds - it still feels like it happened mere minutes ago. i fought for shelter, receiving more than enough, and then i was thrown off the world and expected to survive.

and i'm still looking.

it makes me break harder, because you're a bad ending and we both know it. but it feels like my best ending is already over - better to be a part of a narrative than sitting idle, even though i should want that after true falling.

even if i'm side-note material, here for the audience to pity, i love a good tragedy. i've already died three hundred and sixty-one times and then some, and i'm here to weep. give me hope or pierce me raw, because both have the same final result.

i dreamed of flowery fields and a tomorrow to look forward to, almost hanging from the ceiling fan because dreams had become mangled into a nightmare so realistic it burned. i burned. i lay flaming and was everyone's savior save for myself.

i truly died about a year ago, when words ran dry and time went slow. i'm hung up on a troubled wild card who i only crave fantasy from, spilling bucketfulls of the ocean and blurring the lines.

i never broke my promises, and all the promises made to me left me laying cold and forgotten, through no fault of my own. and maybe that's why i still ache - trying to escape the pain, though panging fresh, i never bothered healing.

i'll smile my part, because i'd guilt days on end if otherwise. i'll do the deeds, because it'll make the empty hurt a little less.

deep down, i know why i started hurting in the first place. the deep won't tell me where to find answers.

so i ponder.

i am lost.

and still staring starry at a disaster waiting to happen because i always wanted to drown in you.