Parent Trap

I miss you...

Rohan Kenneth

I’ve been asking myself lately what are the things that made this whole ordeal more complicated. At first I thought I was doing the right thing but as the days turn to weeks and weeks to months, I realized now what a mess I have created.

Mom and Dad were very patient all these time. And to say that they are very understanding is an understatement, cause they are more than that...much more than that.

Truthfully, I do not know how to fix this. I put up an angry and irritated expression so that I will avoid the confrontation...no, not confrontation, rather, that discussion which might put everything in the right place. When I think about it, it all seems easy, just talk to mom and tell her everything but my pride and shame is stopping me from doing so.

I don’t remember the last time saying sorry has been hard for me. I grew up knowing all the basics, of acknowledging your mistakes, sincere apology and forgiveness. But when someone told me that my mother might have an affair, I forgot everything I learned. I went ballistic, my judgment was clouded with rage and fear for the possibility that my family will be ruined again. I cannot go through that…not again… not ever…

…but when I found out that I was wrong, I couldn’t find the courage to apply all the things I learned.

I choose to isolate myself and ignore all my mother’s approaches.

And here is another chance… it’s knocking on my door. The chance to get back all the laughter in this house. And the only thing for me to do is to open it and let it in.

My mom… my beautiful and extraordinary mom is knocking on my door.

So slowly I got up and padded on the cold tiled floor. My hands are slightly shaking for this moment.

I twisted the knob and opened the door.
My line of vision dropped a little, only this time I noticed that I am now taller than her. I felt a sudden pain in chest… here is the woman who I looked up to all these years, the one woman I know who walks so tall and who held her head high despite all life’s shortcomings and struggles, the one woman who fought all odds to raise me and protect our family.

Looking at her right now…my mom looks so small.

...fragile even..

There are dark circles under her eyes, and cheeks a little bit puffy, pale lips and tired expression.

I never seen my mother this way, even after her split with dad back then. Well I guess, she must have been really good in concealing her true feelings. She was trying to protect my innocence then, to show me that I could lean on her because she was strong.

“Son, I know it’s late and it’s past your bedtime.” She started awkwardly. I’m no longer a child to have a specific bedtime. Well, she was trying so damn hard to make this conversation light…by starting a lame joke, I guess.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure.” I said. Not knowing what else to say.

“Can I come in?”

“Uhm..yeah.” I opened the door wider. And she smiled a little.

She goes straight to my bed and propped like a teenager. It is when I noticed the big pillow she’s holding.

I pulled a chair and positioned at the foot of the bed and sat gingerly on it.

“How have you been, son? We haven’t got to talk like this lately. And I think I should be blame for that.” She started.
I didn’t utter a word.

“I’m sorry.”

“No. I mean..I should be the one saying that…mom.”

A pause.

“Mom, I was wrong.” I said tentatively. Trying to find the right words to add, she reached out to me and gently hold my hands. I looked at our hands and can’t help notice the difference. Mine are larger.

“I told you were having an extramarital relationship with a doctor. I followed you to get some proof though my heart earnestly refuse the idea of you cheating on dad. But my mind keep pressing that maybe you wanted to get even with what happened years ago. And I got angry of that thought.”

She bowed her head and patted my hand.

“I know where your fears are coming from, Kenneth. Your sister has been through this and being your mom I should have known that you too must have been experiencing it too.”

Wait, what? Roan?

“Ken, I know it is important to you to hear this, I am not nor will I have an affair. The time with your dad, was really hard but it never crossed my mind to get even in that kind of way. I love you and sister too much to hurt you with the same mistake. Your trust and respect are the things I cannot throw away by doing those foolish things.”

I nodded. For heaven’s sake, I know all of that. But damn it, I was so stupid and very coward to set aside the truth.

“Mom, I’m really really sorry.” I sobbed and she pulled me into her and hug me tightly. I cried on her chest while she held my trembling body and didn’t let me go until the shaking subsided.

“I love you Kenneth. More than you could ever know and I will never…ever hurt you. I promise.” She said softly and my ear. And I believe her.

Mom’s promises are for keeps.

“Can you sleep here tonight, Mom? Cause I really miss you so much.” I mumbled through hiccups.

“That was my plan sweetheart, but it’s good that you asked because I am not sure I am welcome.” She smiled and kissed my forehead.

Thank you, Mom.

I relished in her embrace until I fall asleep. And the last thing I remember is the beating of her heart and her soft humming, a lullaby I haven’t heard for a very long time.

For the first time in weeks, I am relieved.