The Arrangement | Completed | Wattys2020

80

Matty's POV

I feel so helpless. I feel so fucking helpless. Waiting in this damn room is torturous. This isn't fair. Phoebe shouldn't have to deal with this. That sweet little girl of ours shouldn't have to fucking deal with any of the shit she has dealt with.

She was dealt a shitty hand, but she continues to smile through all of it. She didn't seem scared when going in for surgery. Well, for being four years old. She handled it well. I'm pretty sure we were handling it worse than she was. Maybe that's because we know how much goes into something like this.

"We do this kind of thing all of the time."

"She will be fine."

"Only thirty percent of people will have to have a repeat surgery."

Everything they say only makes it worse, though. I don't think anything will make this any better. Despite being broken up with Candace, I am still here. Holding her hand, kissing her head, gently scratching her arm and promising her that we will make it through this. It doesn't feel like we're broken up. Is this unhealthy? Yes. Absolutely.

I need this just as much as she does, though. If not more than she does. Okay, that's pretty selfish. I know I don't need this more than she does. I think we both need it equally. Putting out relationship to the side, Phoebe is the most important thing right now. We have to stay strong for her.

"Do you think they're almost done? It's been long enough." She asks in a whisper.

"I'm not sure." I whisper back, kissing the top of her head. "I hope so."

We wait in silence. She mindlessly plays with a stray string on my jeans, and I am surprised by how much comfort I feel by this tiny act. It just feels...normal.

She doesn't know, though. She doesn't know about Seattle. She doesn't know anything along those lines. I told Megan not to say anything. I made Megan promise me that she wouldn't say anything. I don't want Candace to find out and try to change my mind. Well...I didn't. Now, I don't know. Maybe if she had tried to change my mind, I would have let her. Maybe I would have stayed. It's already done, though. It's a done deal. I am moving to the U.S soon...way too soon. I would have been going sooner if it wasn't for this whole surgery situation.

I would never want this to happen to Phoebe. Never in my life would I wish this upon that sweet baby girl. My little girl. In every way that matters, she is mine. I love her. But, if this hadn't have happened, I wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't have been in Vancouver. I would have already started my move. I would be in Seattle right now, buying shit from Ikea or wherever there is to get shit like that. I would be in a upscale studio apartment, probably eating some kind of over priced vegan meal all alone. That's what it will be like when I'm there. It'll be lonely.

Could I have stayed though? With the way that everything is right now, could I have stayed? No. Fuck no. I mean...right? This entire thing is fucked up. This is fucked up.

I look down and see Candace staring at the floor, still mindlessly pulling on the stray string. It's in this moment that I realize she is telling the truth. I don't know how I know this. I can't even begin to explain it. But, I know she is telling the truth. She didn't mean to hurt me. She was only trying to provide a better life for Phoebe.

Fuck, I would have done it too. If I was in her position, I would have done it. Thinking about Phoebe, I understand exactly why she did it. Fuck everything and everyone, I wouldn't even blame her if she did it to someone else to provide for that little girl. Phoebe deserves the world. She really does.

Candace does, too. She deserves the entire world, but can't have it. If anyone has been dealt a shitty hand, it's her. Watching her parents die practically right in front of her and then being left with nothing...I couldn't imagine. If anything happened to either one of my parents, I would be fine. Financially, I would still be able to support myself. There would be no worry in my mind when it came to that. But Candace doesn't have the same luxury. She was lucky that their house was paid off when her father died. There is no way she could have stayed in that house if it wasn't. She still is drowning in bills. Whether it be utilities, car payments, medical bills...she is drowning. She is only one girl. She can't keep going like this.