The things I think of when I'm alone

My early years

There is always one moment in childhood, when the door opens and lets the future in. – Graham Green.

I can remember a moment such as this occurring many times in my own life. Whether it was the kindness of strangers, or in some cases the complete opposite, the cruelness of my family or peers, I can remember so many milestones in my life where I have come to the point where enough is enough, and I have opened that door, seen the future, and attempted to embrace it.

I have always considered myself to be an all or nothing kind of person. Whether it was work or personal relationships it didn't matter, I will always hit the ground running and head into things at 100mph, often to the detriment of my own self-esteem, or self-worth. My friend always said that I give too much away to people, and that's the reason I always end up getting hurt, but that's just the way I am, and have always been. I would try and flog the dead horse that was the relationship I had with those I called my family, and continued to go back for more and more painful rejections. Until only quite recently I continued in this vane, only to be cast aside as an odd-ball misfit, who just wants to cause trouble and "spread my poison".

However I have now reached the point where I have decided that I won't do it anymore. I have now cut each and every one of them from my life, or have been completely banished from theirs. The time has now come where even I, the one so desperate for a relationship with them, will prostitute myself no more. The worm has now turned, to coin a phrase. An abusive mother, two aunts who abused, and have been convicted of abusing their own children, and a sister who couldn't be honest, even with herself. That's the sum total of my family, so one really must question..... Are they worth it????

What does truly anger me though, is the fact that no matter what my siblings do, whatever brushes with the law they have, no matter how low they sink into depravity, it is still me that is ignored and treated like a leper, the black sheep that everyone wants nothing to do with. I am the first to admit that I am incredibly needy and in constant need of reassurance, but is that reason enough to dislike me so much.

My one hope though is that one day I do have the courage to let my mom's boyfriend read this, and maybe then, he will understand why I despise him so much.

Why am I writing this? Because I want people to know what really happened. I'm not an oddball, and the things that have happened were not a figment of my imagination. My mother and my sister claim that this didn't happen, and refuse even to discuss it. I know it did, and I need to understand why.

Were the feelings I had as a child that made me feel like I was worth nothing, at all justified? Or were they just the thoughts of a child who craved the attention of others, doing what she did to shock and create a reaction, any reaction, whether good or bad. What I have found is that when I do afford some time to my writing that I find myself spiralling into a deep depression. That is something that I know I'll need to work through as there is so much of my life that I want to get down on paper. Perhaps I just need to walk away from it sometimes.
As I approach my early twenties, I have finally come to the decision that I am a good person. I am a pleasant woman, who is able to love, and be loved. I have treated some friends appallingly in the past. However I now enjoy a small, but sufficient for me, circle of good close friends, and I think for the first time in my life, a true inner peace. I'm now in a job I truly love, and yes, there are times when I question where my life is going, could I have achieved more? However I no longer look back with regret and anger as I used to. I've always tried to live by the rule that life is what you make it, and have never subscribed to the contention that the adult you become is determined by your upbringing. I want others to know why I am the way I am. Why am I someone who continues to try and try at relationships and then just cut people dead, and then find that the need and desire to be loved by them, is transformed into utter disdain. I am not someone who gets on with everyone, as I mentioned earlier, I am an all or nothing person, and I make no apologies for that.