Capricious

19 - Flux to Flume

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn."
- Sylvia Plath

In a thunder of ways, an entire new realm of perspectives on many a thing. On people old and new, paths trod and waiting. Opportunity. We can always do so much more than we realise. Sometimes you need to dive into the unknown to release them. Reveries expanding with my mood on many an interconnected opportunity. Pathways I see to things that don't yet exist. Even taking such a different stance now, living as live as I am, drawn in from a different front.

Too many voices. I can't keep up. I can't understand any of them. Entire views shifting with such rampant volatility in such little time. It's jumping too often. I can't control it. I can't cope any more.

Ever consumed by paranoia, for things I both want to be true and things I don't, often easily missing the true message. Dreaming, seeing, believing things that don't exist. That's why my nature is so dangerously mercurial, why I experience such sudden punches of emotional pain. I'm hiding within such things, they take precedence. Nothing is real. I can't understand. And hence I can't know anything about anyone. Not even myself.

I'm forgetting to breathe, my body doesn't want to do so. Gears churning in my stomach, there's poison inside of me. Get it out! I'm shaking. Barely breathing. My eyes close and I lose all balance, my body is lost. The darkness darkens, weighs down upon me. I can't do anything. If I am treated like nothing, why can't I just be nothing? If I don't exist, why can't I just stop existing?

I'm losing time more often. It just disappears. I can't remember living through it. The clock just jumps. How are things fading together? Am I absent? Or am I living as something else? Or am I just terrible at managing time? But taking so much more to do so much less just doesn't make sense.

Time to put my mask on, to restructure my face, to hide pain and sorrow. Smile away and maybe the world will give me a real reason to smile.

So many voices screaming inside my head, taking up every little space. So much so there is no room for my own voice to think of anything to say.

We walk for unrealised miles, together again, stories regaled without a hint of jealousy. My pale, freckled friend of soft auburn hair. She's so comfortable. Why did we never do this before? An untouched grove in a familiar forest. Fusing the good of old with the good of new. Natural and flowing despite my head full of tasks. Just slight bent truths to live up to character. I begin to find I love who she is, the brutal honesty, the outrageous lack of fear, views on all shared and intelligence on par. No pretence or selfish sin or mystery. Transparent and symmetric. No physical attraction on either side, for which I am thankful. Our type, our level, as similar I've believed since that faded obsession. How unworldly was I back then not to notice? How could I ever have left it unchased? What am I feeling? What am I not feeling? I like it. But something is still missing. And despite the distraction she proposes, I am unsure, could it ever truly rescue me?

I am happy. I feel it in my stride, brandish it with my smile, I become more playful with all and they with me. Singing phrases to myself, sitting larger, swaying, dreaming, and not of darkness. I feel better, I believe in everything, a million chances, all assured by fixed honesty and undeniable camaraderie. Even rational anger becomes silly. And for the first time in several lives, I am awesome once more.