Capricious

52 - Hey Stranger

"I enjoy controlled loneliness. I like wandering around the city alone. I'm not afraid of coming back to an empty flat and lying down in an empty bed. I'm afraid of having no one to miss, of having no one to love."
- Kuba Wojewódzki

Mind tuned to dreaming of her, for the sake of nothing else, magical moments I miss more than any other I've lived. Nipples of bronze sharing the colour of my own, splayed so magnificently against flesh so pale. Tongue twirling around her buds, lips kissing so savouringly, sucking so delicately. Hands playing with her breasts all the while, gently squeezing and caressing, so luscious and juicy. Rolling teeth behind my lips, feasting on her to her stuttering moans. "Ohhhh, you're so good at that."

I need it to feel for someone, an emotional connection, but no one else does, falling in love with friends, who respond with sex and little else, until we waste away. How am I supposed to live in this world of instant attraction and automatic desire?

She's storming my thoughts again, a teasing virus, swallowing hours dazed away, crashing my mind, I can't absorb a thing. These days of such importance, preparation for the final test, there's just not enough time, what little there is stolen by lust. Confidence rocketing and plummeting over and over. Procrastination and medication, structure and reward, dropping the rest of my life, because I'm not ready for this. If only I could control my mind.

Falling in love with characters from the books I read or dreams I dream, that only manifests as infatuation for their reality counterparts, suffering by what I think about them rather than how they really are, otherwise their actions would never offend, otherwise I would not sacrifice for them, otherwise I would never think them better than I am. I'm confused still by what love is, when what we're taught to be love may only be infatuation after all; but then love would be so weak, if all the power and all the pain lies only in our ignorance.

For it's not her you really love, you don't love her for being her, you love all you see of yourself in her, you think you love her because she's a better you than you, you only really love yourself. But is that not what love is, sharing passions and growing them together?

Before I could learn subconsciously, I accumulated understanding and reigned without a try. Now my body has progressed, and upon my subconscious I have no say, no control, and now I have to force, to learn consciously, sticking things in there that crave no understanding, but remain jealous of anything more. For my conscious realm of mind cannot adapt, but remains defensive in my stupor's wake.

Girl you're killing me endless, uncertainty divine, lost to another world, that my poor mind cannot read. What am I even saying to you? Why are you careless so? You have my dreams spiking and crashing with every message you send. Nothing has changed and yet everything has changed. Looking for some reason in you, but none to be found, explanations I am blind to see. Burning my soul just as I believed I had escaped, possibilities flaring and orbiting my mind, eroding it of truth. Why do you kill me so? Our distance now only stretching me towards things I don't want, any desire fallen from a slippery cliff, only you, only ever you. My saucy little minx, a sun in all but form, blossoming in my imagination, to which you do not reply, and I read too much and never speak nor dare.

I'm wrong. I'm just not right. Nothing matters. It all becomes stupid. Double standards I don't even know. I don't really exist. This is it, but it doesn't seem so. Lost far from reality, experimenting in virtual worlds, and life becomes a bitter aftertaste. Even without pain I feel so sick. I've created a monster within myself. I can't see, I can't see. All drugged up. I'm simply a dream.

Same ache, further away; same tricks, closer to my heart. I just don't fucking know, what to say, what to do. I don't want to give this up, don't want to be weak, but she makes me so very weak for her. This uncertainty killing me, what we were, what we expected, whether it was much or nothing at all, what signals meant anything or everything, faults on either side circling. It was a rollercoaster of passion intense, and I question who felt it more, and I question who hurts more, and I question whether we really knew each other at all. I'm still too broken, too insecure to play this game.

I feel apart, that everyone is in on something and I'm lost, all staring at me else never a second thought. I'm tortured by myself, my weakness, there's nothing different about me, less the things I tell myself. I simply can't commit to an idea, too weak to play my cards, so afraid of losing that I never have the chance to win.

Looking for reasons to explain myself and pretending I am something I'm not. In this world of emotions I overplay, I'm far too simple for. I don't know what to say, to anything, I'm useless. An artificial intelligence of basic learning hiding within the shell of a human being.

All I do is dream my life, then jump, then fall.

The thing is, you let things get to you, and the darker you get, and then you begin to let go, and the emptier you get. Truth is there is no solution but what we make for ourselves, unconsciously of course, we're all too different now.

I have no clue what's going on anymore, I can't remember my life, just the dreams in between.

Easy love does not make you desire, safe love does not make you fear, it is love uncertain, chaotic and difficult, a challenge to your heart is what you want. Otherwise it seems barely worth the trouble.