Capricious

63 - Rolling Stone

"If someone can prove me wrong and show me my mistake in any thought or action, I shall gladly change. I seek the truth, which never harmed anyone: the harm is to persist in one's own self-deception and ignorance."
- Marcus Aurelius

I feel matured beyond most things, and my life becomes unrecognisable to itself, sinking through what is left with an insufferable ache from blunders past, held up by the few that help me sing, as my voice drops lower, and my lyrics spiral downwards.

Yet if we take a step back, what is truly right and wrong? It's only in the context we've created.

Towering infernos, evergreens swallowed in powdered snow, the crisp bite of water dived. Hello dear friend, glowing with embers of bright red, electrifying my tears. Body sagging as its iron mist sails straight through my flesh, every nerve singing in sparks.

Shimmering through my body, like a creamy warm ghost, dissolving all my pain, settling my soul, a magic lived alone, but without regret. I swim to the sounds, my mind sings so sweet, I am living once more.

Friendship is a curious thing, there is no clear recipe, some form through random circumstance, some from trials lived together, and some simply from the patterns in our souls. I can say now though that I love my friends, for all they are, for all our mutual faults we have prevailed, to talk true, to exist without fault, we return to ease no matter how much time apart, to ease what tensions in our lives. Something that seems so eternal, the deep connections that are more than passing fancies. They slowly wore down my anxiety, brought out my desire, put up with my tragic convolutions. It may seem so plain, but there is so much there, and even though our paths rarely intertwine they will always exist, and as such I will always live with the encouragement that I am enough.

A curse of fractures played upon my mind, from living in worlds upon worlds, I know not what it was, nor do I care, but it was part of me, it spoke with itself when there was no one else to hear. How up and down I rode, now I play like anyone else, I'm not afraid of what life will throw, I won the war of my mind, I won it alone, through the suffering of my words, and I won it together, with those who I shared something, any shard of true living, of friends that remained, of lovers that gave themselves to me, and of acquaintances who registered me for what I did not know I was until they found me.

She has fallen into my life, a flake of snow through all the rain, a sudden dive into the toxic mist only to find something so much less plain. She moves with me, more than any infatuation ever did, it is a new sense, as if we are part of each other now. These whims we make, effortless, we ride through the streets without a care, encouraging each other's dreams, two souls lost within this tragic world. We move so pure, so safe, she is all of me, all my secrets, all my desires, a justification of myself. She calms the flow of my mind, and together we take on indulgences of unfounded magnitudes, so much more to explore, our minds dancing in theory, our bodies raging in pleasure, our souls ever searching for experiences new. An excuse to live, an attachment to grow with, no uncertainty between us, we both know who we are, what we want, and together we flow. My fair snowflake, I think you may have fixed me for good.

Exploring worlds I don't know, that's all I have now, the taboos of interaction, the cultures of distant lands, the complete wild depths of experience.

A deep night for adventure, without an idea what to expect, diving into vice simply because their worlds had given me so much. It was all brand new back then, parted souls falling for one another's flame, discovering who we really were, opening up ourselves and being accepted for it. My mind grew from them, a moment apart in this city safe from law, pleasure forging my love for interaction, our deepest holes or maddest desires, any remaining prejudice fading and we were from there. My foot shaking a dozen to the beat, cloaked with the fiercest music, expressing myself through this wormhole of living all I could, for in this there were no secrets. I started to become all I became.