Capricious

49 - Hopeless Romantic

"Inside of all of us there is the need and the desire to be heard, to have our innermost thoughts, feelings and desires expressed for others to hear, to see and to understand. We all want to matter to someone."
- Vicktor Alexander

Things are awesome now. I'm confident, letting myself go more, I feel part of something, accepted. Leading the way, succeeding with barely a phase, how on earth did I fall so low? I just need to stop looking how high the stairs loom and take them one by one. Whatever happens, it will be alright. Singing my praises, taking control, actions and advice leading to positive change, I'm explosive. Funny how vulnerability can lead to accomplishment, and everything falls back into place, taking things up however I can.

It's as if they're perfect, you can't see any imperfection, you think about them all the time, dream about them even, you are interested in everything about them, and when you're with them there are no uncomfortable moments, no embarrassment, no dishonesty, you let your shields down completely, you don't mind them knowing everything about you, every thought that enters your head, when you're with them you don't think, you can't think, there is only them, only the way you feel about them, and just being with them makes you so fucking high, you're happy, you put them before yourself, you make an effort to please them, because you get satisfaction from it, and the sex just becomes so much better, it's different, and you find you start to love the things they love, you become like a child again, endlessly teasing and playing, everything feels right, you want to do everything with them, and when you're with them you have no concept of time, you're incredibly weak and foolish, but you don't care, you don't care what anyone else thinks, because it feels so fucking good.

Yes it's fucking painful, you feel like you lose part of yourself with them, it completely destroys you, until you can't feel anything anymore, until you don't enjoy anything anymore, but eventually with time and distraction and expression you'll forget it, you'll change, and you'll wonder how you could ever have felt something so irrational, you'll realise they weren't perfect, that they weren't healthy for you, you'll find someone better, and by then it won't matter, if it doesn't work that just means something is wrong, it shouldn't be, you can't deny it. The end is inevitable, the best you can do is live entirely in the moment, don't think about it ending, just be honest, and in the end be glad that it happened.

Such a sweet thing, spiralling hair from such a cutely elegant face, voice spinning me around, laughing endless at my jokes. The careless play of my rose drawing me out to the chance of other pastures. We talk apart, and a spin of silly confidence pulls me in, as I flirt with an interest and a gossip. We play our games, we drink so far, dancing madly as the music rains so strange. Face squeezing so radiantly, smile melting me, as she clutches her coat over her shoulders. We keep our night, we sail on home, nothing more although I'd like. Sweet like caramel, I let her go.

At this point I've gone too far, there's no way back, there's nothing more to say. Love had blinded me, taken control of me, led my actions simply by desire and feeling. I just wanted her to know how I feel, for her to be impressed, for her to play along with me. But now this sharp break tips me, falling out of love, back into reason, to regret revealing such things to her. I just can't think how else to flirt, to keep us going, I don't think that way, it doesn't come so easily. I fell so completely for her and she didn't for me, her desire drawn towards the character I have left behind, only to measure me by a hangman's worth. Everything tells me how I fucked up, but I don't even know, the double standards of the world confusing me into self-destruction. I can't say what I mean or mean what I say, without losing. I risked all for what seems now a certain defeat. Yet I can't leave it behind, excuses running through my head. Is that really how the game is played? What is the point? Why do things have to change, why can't feelings remain? I just want to be true, to connect our feelings, not manipulate and live in fear.

Why do things have to be this way? Is my writing messing with me, or am I a fool to my soul? A hopeless romantic to the end, because I only fall for someone accidentally, never from design, not through this act I never see as real. I can't even explain such a predicament to others, I don't know how to do this, I can't tell the truth nor lie, I can't feel nor think, I can't love nor lust. It's a paradox that I'm too far from to solve. I know, and yet I don't. Excuses easy to find, because I'm simply not good enough, even though I'm so good, I just don't know how to show it.

It can't be planned, it can't be the same, it can't be known at all, not anymore. I just don't know how to get there, not on my own, when all I can call friends are chasing their own, and I am barred from such. We are all slaves to our lives, our desires ever punishable in some way, and so we are not known, and so we cannot live.

I just want to live, I just want to be in love, I just want to lose myself.

I just want to be close to someone, I want every barrier ridden down, I want us to know everything about each other, I want us to hunger for each other, I want nothing to matter, nothing to get between us, nothing but the two of us just existing. As long as you are with me, I know everything, I fear nothing, there is just pure happiness.

I consider friendship worth too much I guess, love too easy I guess, like the children's films of old, such that any I give will often be disposed of in time.

A world without faces, just feeling who each other is, revolving as we play. I turn over, she wraps around me, I clasp my hand in hers. Don't let me go again, whoever you are, whichever heartbreaker my dream believes you to be. It feels too real, if I just hope enough, it might be so. I freeze in the moment, but doubt begins to shake it, and then it begins to fade. I return to lying in my bed, alone, drowning into lucid dreams. I want to dream forever, in moments that are so completely real, where there is never any pain. I want to dream forever, life clouds all beauty now, it's just not worth it.