Capricious

28 - Nirvana

"When you smoke the herb, it reveals you to yourself."
- Bob Marley

Multi-balls of decadence floating around rich scarlet dreams. I let it take hold of me. Ideas and unfathomable beauties stream within my head. That delightful spark surging with the thought of time, a dreamy image of another universe, I dive in and surround myself with it. I no longer feel alone, I no longer feel chained to this reality, I am free to fly and love and flow with the endless madness my imagination can conjure. It is magic I tell you.

I wake with a perfect buzz simmering throughout, my mind and body one, relaxed and refreshed, saved from the cruelty of the world. That blazing beauty to explore the unimaginable, to dream through waking thoughts, to amplify the senses and make life seem worth living after all.

That suffering fascination of other lives, all unique and complicated and amazing in their own way. I only wish I knew them all.

A sketchboard of colourful madness stretched across my mind's wandering love. The sensation of visuals and perfect tones jumping to the organ's rumbling dance. The half-covered face of a monster educating from the shadows. That uncomfortable blitz of feeling showering me as my body lifts from its cot and rocks away in its own spaceless world. The magic empowering me to dream so weird, so awake, so perfectly in contrast to a mind so deep within itself. Now is a chance to spring free, to learn from others, to create from without, to dance my life away without the want to ever regret again.

I'm putting myself together. Not only in this one-dimensional lonely world of words and wondering, but now of symbols from mind and past and beauty. More exposed to be uncovered by others meanwhile, detached from lovers, again and again falling under that dizzying spell. Nothing else to do but dance my dreams away, delight in her scrunchy flavour, steal my embarrassment back from the world. Things pass to silliness that I was before afraid of, without a taste of such things, then wanting it all, then losing it forever. No longer do I care to worry, embracing imperfection and expressing my desire to know others' too. I am okay for now, posing in silks, flaring and designing and approaching new tunnels to chase white bunnies down. I have always been too hard on myself. Now is a time to let go, to welcome the aid of others, to let them know. I am who I am, and slowly but surely, from the rooftops you'll hear me scream.

I know so much more now, so much more of worlds that have now distanced themselves from me. Tasting them was deadly enough, hooked now to worlds that I have no way to reach.

Channels of love, for there are paths one must take. Starting at the end, there must be something wrong. Yet strange manoeuvres I make, against the righteous throne, shortcuts still, but cheat I cannot do.

Oh, how I do adore the passion in others, to love something so intensely, whatever my views on such. They that truly live, they that have found where they belong. I can only admire in appreciation and reflect such passion back at them.

I love to be outrageous. I love to be weird. I love to do the things everyone else is simply too afraid to do.

I need too much to do to not fall back into that death, but what if I'm forgetting something, what if I mess up, what if it's not as perfect as can be? I want to let go and be free, but I can't just run from my responsibilities, I can't rely on others, I have to support myself, because one sudden turn of fate and darkness may swallow me whole once more. Fears of rejection, of abandonment, of judgement encircle me still. Anxiety an irresistible magnet that never tires. I can only distract myself for so long, and I do have the misfortune of being so imperfect. It doesn't matter, but it does. I love myself, I hate myself. I am everything, I am nothing. And the more I discover, the more I realise that I don't know anything.