Capricious

41 - Game Theory

"With self-discipline most anything is possible."
- Theodore Roosevelt

The weather of my mind, overcast and rumbling thunder, suffocating my head, clouding my emotions. Then the world takes a different form, change in motion, and aids like adrenaline to my heart. On a whim I start to engage, clouds fading from mind, collapsing into this again, renewed with the excitement I founded at the start. I settle fast, immediate worries falling away, a clear sky, and all connections thus far better than my mind remembered. My final year, long enough I've spent asleep, I'm raring, I'm restless, and ready to attack.

My mind is no longer alone, and I'm not afraid to share it. Sinking into times of old, with little discomfort it seems, as if nothing has changed, even as I wanted it to. Yet it's all too one sided here, I feel like I'm missing out, that I should have more yet all is too out of reach. This isn't the place for it, freedom all too useless, I have no clue what I'm doing, ruled by procrastination once more. Enjoyments of recent times cannot be found here, and I am a desperate nothing, afraid.

Diving into a night against plans, now I'm back in this Roman world, liqueur and gin flowing through me. Some ridges to bend, but a little risk goes a long way. Skimming along with newer worlds, playing the wolf amidst sheep, skipping between members that only require an introduction to rage with. Drunken fun bridging on blackout, in that red and black club changing hearts. Flickering frames reverberating across the dance floor dancing, bodies rubbing, hands stroking, lips brushing. Wild and brash, changing who I am and what I can do, cherries popping all around.

Just sitting here with a feeling of tranquil bliss, like my head has let go of something heavy, despite the vultures circling overhead.

Timelines broken. No structure to this life, no consequence or immediate reward, no accomplishment of any kind. I'm drowning in exhaustion, feeling my body too easily, every ache or need, nothing achieved no matter how many plans I make or ways I conceive. This world too chaotic for me to work with, to even know what I'm doing; my mind doesn't think to focus, it's vision wide and without clarity. Time spent doing nothing at all, even when I cannot afford to, or else spent with things that feel like I've made no distance. I am not myself, I do not rule myself, I can only attempt to persuade, for whatever reward or consequence. But now I've lost care and heart of all I've returned to, instead flirting elsewhere, so I dream outside of this. Feeling worthless, dropping behind, destroying myself and seeing my soul wilt among the flowering rest. I am not what I say I am, I cannot even think what part of me would even be worth revealing in gateways of such professional worlds. There is no place for me however friendly, no lasting confidants or cliques, a one-hit wonder dying after every shot. It hurts, wiping away my identity with no place for it to shine. I just can't piece it all together, and just like that, I've lost days past, present and future.

What you focus on controls you.

I'm in a state of constant conflict. To be focused, hardworking, not wasting time, fast and efficient, constant thinking from every angle, perfectly. Then to be laid back, not worry, remain easy and confident, engaging in vice and pleasure and socialising, with no regrets. The problem is my mind and body cannot always commit to the same side, stressing that I'm not working enough or that I'm missing out on truly living. I need to have my body committed and mind pure, not the other way around, otherwise I risk stressing to death, alone, or losing out to everyone else, becoming no one, and nothing.

Education destroying creativity, locking out pure inspiration, to be limited by what others have done. I have learned too much.

Playing my own psychology, acting interested and confident, telling myself I enjoy it, that it will be simple, that I can do it. I turn myself into an optimist, and concentrate, and learn, and believe, and it works. I devise my structure, then adapt accordingly, and time and chance return to me once more.