Capricious

54 - Joyriding

"Intimacy is really the ability to fuse your identity with someone else's without the fear that you're going to lose something yourself."
- Erik Erikson

A world of unfinished conversations and drunken families, breaking myself in once again, shooting stars without time. My driving lust closing brighter yet tighter avenues, realising the end to that unfinished night as the truth returns to me. Little time wasted before our tongues clash, making out in the twilight of the club, soon enough making tracks back to my nest. Fearlessly matching my moves, her hand reaching to play with me, sucking on her silky nipples, her flooding sauna welcoming me so easily. Our aggressive desire, a heated hunger of the body, we move together, harder, faster, switching sides, taking each other for a ride. Releasing all pent up lust in a mutual smothering of messy sex, panting with passion till we tire each other out. A brief interlude then waking to finish our dance, one touch and we're fierce again, drilling through to a rushing tide of orgasmic pleasure, and all drops calm again. Yet some surprise as we sober, her nature infecting my desires, and I am left to wonder what I want from this.

Desire building self-confidence, to display so spectacularly whomever the audience. Cruising along the edge, enough new to wade and enough old to keep steady. That feeling of home transitioning as a sense of belonging threatens to fall upon me, I need no reason, no time to fear, growing ideas to sail bellowing me on. No longer weighed down by the highlight reel of others' lives, instead the realisation of my own dreams becoming the thing of envy, drawing in tales to excite, and sleeping out the rest. A loom to weave treasure, in memories and feelings, the chance to live several lives at the behest of my own will, if only I can make up my mind.

It was like we spoke a language of our own making, that only we knew.

Out and out again, pushing limits, charming enough to make anything work. Those tantalising lips and pristine smile so divine, small Spanish beauty so close yet so far, under the limits that have been made my character and my time, she is not to be mine.

A welcoming terrain for my capricious nature to play, yet unsure what to hold on to, mutually exclusive chances disorientating desire, playing along with my tropical temperament, all the time trying to forget that she exists.

Still trespassing on my mind, passions haunting me, dreaming of seeing her again, of any way we may yet exist. Looking for reasons to hate so my mind can forget her, and only killing myself as I remember her even more, of everything I did adore. Crushing heart, tightening throat, mask draining from my face. God I want her. Desire and frustration stirring within me, threatening to explode in a rage of love. But I do nothing, I let her go, for we were simple lovers and nothing else, that's why she let me go, she's not the type to care. It's just how it goes, just how it works, a few days of ecstasy and months of excruciating pain. And yet it was worth it. Still I know she will be one of so many, lovers yet to be found, and so I reside content, yet crestfallen, without living my dream of her.

Then a roadblock of indecision I hit, worries that can't be settled, yet time moves without barriers, events of a must and a future simmer, just left to pick up the pieces and live in fear of what will be the most spectacular or most naive decisions of my life.

Falling into mysteries, hidden messages that I am only now finding,notes of love scratched into the folds of a fan, that I hadn't noticed before,a whole new story that may yet reconcile the injustice between us. Hopeblossoms so brightly within me, only to find it all a dying dream. So painfulit is to wake from such a thing, my dreams resurrecting her from the dead, tocrush me one last time. My mind tires, darkens to displays of her, sillyscenarios sickening me, that I can't shake, however justifiable they may be. Mymind becomes a rabid void of paranoid questioning, frustrated by the pointlessacts of those who care about me, foolishly wallowing in the wake of those whodon't, in her insincere promises and poisonous flattery. The story of mypresent and my future coming apart, realising how carelessly I'm living, theblood within my heart growing sharp. Doubting if I'm playing my life right,afraid of it all, my deluded security seeming only a lie to myself. Against mywill my hate grows fierce, and I bore of what I've become. But only for a moment.