Capricious

36 - Bali - Invincibles

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."
- Douglas Adams

What would we do without, our immortal guide to this world, he pulls us together, flaring around this garden of Eden we roam, and so we know everything to do.

The garden in the sky, five levels high, a club full of drunken craze, and we have made it here. We intoxicate ourselves into dance, lewd friends shaking the floor, up the podium we climb, through and through the night. Yet as I dance to the raging beat, faster and master to all the rest, I begin to steadily sober. Something seems off, she pays me no kind, no attention in any way, she moves away from me, filling my heart with dismay. Is it discomfort or jealousy, or has she had enough of me, does she think me too into or too out of her? Am I reading too much into things? I'm thinking far too much I know, only destroying myself and the night, distancing myself by caring for something I shouldn't. Our dance at its end before it has even begun.

I can't sleep. My chest shaking, wrangling itself apart, jolting and crushing my entire body outside in. A fit I try to silence, to keep from her across from me. Panic attacks from the past night, the future night, mind dwelling on anything it can. I'm dying inside, I can't stop it, I can't escape it. I don't think I can do this...

Wake to the blaring sun, to play by the beach, to surf in the waves, and to gaze longingly into the pink haze of the setting flame.

A calmer night, chilling by candlelight, appetisers and cocktails, with these that suddened to arrive with. And there the extrovert implodes to venture there, with truths expiring chance, violently from her, and surrenderingly from me. Not fitting with what she chose to share before, knowing I shared too much. And so it falls apart, falling away from each other so permanently. As fast as it began, to lose it all so fast. Was it foolish to even consider such a thing, against feelings and flow? Now my soul darkens with the sky, as all my day dreams die.

Back to normal, together again, just me not being myself she says, it seems. I forget such darkness, shaming it for silliness. We explore the world and each other's past, revealing more than ever before, as we enter that stage with ease, now nothing is inappropriate. We become such explosive souls, sneaking up to the pool in the sky, posing as players by and by. With delightful sounds and food and delicate sun, just with her, that perfect buzz envelops me, a moment too perfect, too crazy, that it just illuminates me. Lying side by side in our sated rest from the wars that exist every world below us, we above it all, a move of such impulse and daring. We're just so good at being bad.

And just like that friendships evolve, to friends of friends, all joined by some circumstance. All questions to be asked, all journeys to be made, all interesting at the least, all finding some connection in this torn off world.

Now there we are, searing though traffic and open road, improvising our way to a far-off place. Rice paddies miles long streaming on either side, a cool breeze with the slightest hint of danger, as kites fly across the sky, we arrive at the temple by the sea. I look good here, just myself. We gaze around, muscling our way through, with a new friend barely known, because we are both crazy for everything in any way in this opportunistic realm apart.

Followers lost we are, together solving the way back home so many steps at a time. To find this place, to get there, to recharge and follow on, and all with the lowest price to pay. Any problem easily defeated with my wild imagination, every one solved another boosting success. Winning.

God from the machine, catching the wave through this easy arrogance of a surfer scene, as I sway on by. Excuses in any direction can never be founded, for I can't play this, I can never be like them, I'm far too gone. All I can do is muscle my way, and hope for a little leeway, become known by some circumstance rather than pure choice, and take what I can get.

Painting pictures in the blaring heat, of fish and trees and other animals, across this new wall we have made. The laughter of children, the chirping of birds, the music of my own, surrounding us few in our own little world, so distanced from the noise of raging life. Creating a future to remain for years to come, with a brush, some skill, and wild imagination.

Taking a walk along the ridge, bending my body to the fairest sounds, exploring on my way. There is just no bite any longer, times more alone even if not so. The glass beneath my feet cracking all the time, three worlds falling away. I feel as if I've spent a lifetime here, the past existing so little within my frame of mind, everything here fulfilled, except a certain intimate warmth. Attempts to lose myself in shisha and shots only accentuate my flickering halves, bursts of conversation followed by quiet contemplation. It must be then, that my happiest moments are with her, I've fallen for a sun once more, and she'll likely break me too. I just can't resist her intoxicating allure, showering me with pleasure, just to be, just to feel, just to know such radiance, so very close to me.

I simply could not expect how wild we would become, all of us there to celebrate the moment. Meeting so many through an entourage of smoking and drinking and dancing, enjoying every delicacy there on offer, conversations leading on and on without any leash at all. Such fun born from being so hilariously drunk, and from an explosion of extroversion warming all to me. Everywhere I go I find some friendship. Dancing with that soft faced princess, crowding around the cushions, violet shots and holding hands throughout the night. This is how it should be. This is where I belong. This is when I feel no despicability towards myself. Here and now, from all corners of the earth, together, we are invincible.