Capricious

70 - For Nothing Else

"Art is expressing one's universal wound - the wound of living a finite life of incomplete meanings."
- Raymond Tallis

Dark storms resurface through my mind, sharp thorns taking root, feeding itself throughout every sector reforged from the clutches of madness not long ago. My mind fragments and scatters, the castle walls shake and crumble, the darkness surges through my chest. I have used every method of defence to repel my foe, to drive him off with pursuits of living, yet my mind rages with threats on all sides, casting shadows of doubt on what part I may play in life.

Tendons and hearts torn alongside my mind, living out the consequences of others' poor actions for little reward, sacrificing any time to clean up my own scattered life. A barrage of tasks and restrictions playing upon my anxiety, gale winds blinding rationality, leaving my mind exhausted in its wake as each day draws to its close. Improvising my way through this world I've defaulted to, systems of progress stamped down by legacies old, picking up the pieces from the rubble, restoring that which is lost and sharpening it so. Too much lies out of my control, beliefs and processes torn to shreds, I cannot carry all this on my own, balancing upon a thread with a swamp of chaos below me, I look down.

Still I need some level of control within this chaos I crave.

These senseless storms that plague me so, stealing time from within my grasp, mind sailing in spirals, body frozen in mind. Stripping away all constants to play with variables so carelessly, building dreams upon dying dreams to keep my mind afloat, my gaze on a horizon that moves no closer, no landmark nor land. The depressions of identity and love solved, yet that of life still lays siege, for I know not where to direct these passions and skills, so that I may live with purpose once more.

A carousel of chaos so grey and so bleak, a world swinging and crashing flying throughout my mind. I'm forgetting all past, meandering about a sea of exhaustion, bursts of artistic energy with nowhere to go, my mind zoning in and out of life. The future never comes, and the present never stays, cut off from the eloquence of time and other such drugs to play up this larger life. Bullets swim in a flurry about my mind, yet none can be shot while these storms rage on, no dream can be built now all magic lies dead. What am I to do but age and rage, all because I don't know how to change.

Finally abandoned, I take one last dizzying hit into the clouds. This solitary high that penetrates my flesh, a reward for all my troubles. The world slows down, my storm of responsibilities subsides, reminded that this freedom of mind is but a step away, that any frustration of life can be vanquished in its relative form. These rushing chores that plague me so, a flurry of meteorites within this striped galaxy, all playing me for their attention. At risk of losing all understanding, I test my limits, dreams of life's most meaningful pursuits drifting slowly towards me as I push myself through the gutter of my life. All I want is to explore, all I want is freedom for my mind, all I want is to live within life's deepest experiences. So I must carve my way to the mountaintop, I must learn, I must believe, I must not give up.

This mellow flight so serene, mind settled amidst the mist, a calming void disinfecting my torturous thoughts.

Now I think I might have become too wise for this life in which I stand, little uncertainty to test my mind, no real chaos to write my way out of. So I remain unarmed, and my dream lies in purgatorial waiting as it has done in my sanest times. I realise the truth of most things, and the deepest truth of them all, that we can't change any of them.

My mind is blind, I cannot think as I believe I should, cannot think of this life how I did before, I need someone to guide me through, to think where I cannot, to save my mind's energy for worthy challenges, to work out the best way to live life through the ingredients at my disposal. That's why I need her.

Slowly perfecting every part of my life, to give the illusion I am a perfect individual. I have created my character, formed my ideology, fashioned my body into who I am, an essence of cool, passionate and intelligent, creative and sexy. To attract the same as me, and the best that can be, this is my survival technique.

Ignorance is bliss
Understanding is depression
Wisdom is freedom

I want to be at the pinnacle of progressive thought, to learn the secrets of the world, to make a statement with my life. I want to live the best way possible, I want to live the extremes of experience, I want to live immortally. A man of the world, a man of many talents, an artist of mind. Wise yet young, free yet determined, smart yet creative. That's who I dream to be.

The crisp crunch of foot on frozen, frosted grass. A mist of vapour showering through the air at every breath. This sleeping world screaming in silence, stopping to bask in the vast magnificence of this lifeless domain.

Sometimes the world barely seems real. Looking deep into every part of this world, this universe, the complexities of all, how everything works, how far we've come. It just doesn't seem possible. But the rules are there, unbroken they lay, making the world go round, providing answers to questions we don't really understand. Could this really all be a simulation?

There is magic in this life, but one has to discover it.

It is time saved from the clutches of existence, time to live on an artist's palette, time to be free in life, free in mind, free to let go of pain and creatively wander through passions without guilt or regret. It is time I can be myself, know myself, live myself. I delve into the glorious energy of music so deep and timeless, experience all my quests with that flare of magic, and project my dreams into art and poetry.

There's something quite poetic about it, remembering the times comfort zones were pushed, routines broken, success at having won over my anxieties and lived so free within the moment. Life is an adventure, and in order to live, we must sacrifice something, or else we risk not living at all, merely existing.