Capricious

72 - The Great Sloth

"I know where I'm going and I know the truth, and I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want."
- Muhammad Ali

I phase through all these lives of mine, surrendering to them all, for each lost or won there are always more to find. So I remain striking outwards, little chance to find motivation, to travel inwards and lose myself in a passion that overshadows all else. I like will never settle, never focus all I am, all I know into a passion of strength, into an act that defines me, that gives me power, power to do all I want without rebellion, as my selfish genes pronounce. Procrastinating to risk it all more and more, I wait to be caught or to die unused, unlived, undone.

How I desire that dreamlike spell, that drops me into something so completely, with an intensity and a rage, all thinking disappears, only feeling remains, absolutely. I want to let go, of all fear, of all cares, to lose myself in passion. But that precious experience that reigned upon my childhood years comes difficult now, built so high, the fear of time, of the end, of losing everything keeps me awake, keeps me thinking, fearing, dying.

From reality you enter a dream, into a you that doesn't exist quite like when awake, playing through a simpler dimension without the limits that enslave us here. What if our dreams dreamed, from time to time, into realms even simpler than their own, what if you can only ever dream backwards, what if the dimension above is only coated with another layer of reality, limited in every scale?

I'm wasting away, sacrificing my will just for a feeling, a lesser mortal enjoying what rules I can break, what crimes I can commit. Pleasure is doing what you're not supposed to do, jumping from the rules of this social framework, into dreams fashioned by the degree to which our fear presides.

Inherently selfish we are, only truly bound by fear of society's wrath, selfish so to not be banished of all the pleasures that we seek. Religion, law, opinion, they do enslave us all. But everyone has secrets, tucked away inside our private minds, secrets we only nourish during solitude, or in dreams asleep, or dreams awake. What we would if we believed we could get away with it. What we would if we did all we wanted. What horrors we would entail.

That shamanic light, haunting in the dark, swaying me back and forth. Stolen by enchantments of yesteryear, however quiet they yet may seem, a magic of experiences they play, through that glitter of nostalgic bliss. Chasing for experiences every which way, higher and higher as I can, a discovery of delight is all I have to live for. I want to be in love, I want to be on drugs, I want to travel the world. I want to read, I want to write, I want to discover. I want freedom.

I'm weak, I'm lazy, I'm clumsy, I'm fearful, I'm shy, I'm greedy, I'm nasty, I'm lustful, I'm ignorant, I'm selfish, I'm needy, I'm rude, I'm hypocritical, I'm hateful, I'm manipulative, I'm unsympathetic, I'm narcissistic, I'm human.

I prefer surreal living, every moment somewhat slurred, in which magic charges all around, slipping between moments and thoughts so effortless and elegant. The normal has to be fought, the ordinary defeated, to turn all life into special experience, each turn grander than the next. So we give our realities that dance, so we can sleigh right through, yet what control do we leave behind, letting go in this merciless world?

I like people watching. Gathering the scent of their soul, studying them thoughtlessly, throughout my daily life. For how else can I know the magic that they live? How else can I enjoy that second-hand story, of struggles and wonders all important to each of us in our own way? How else can I live more lives as their opportunities fall away from me?

I do hate loose ends, as if a piece of my mind is loose, and I can't get it back until that end is reached.

There's something of an explorer about me. I want to climb the highest mountains, scale the deepest caves, roam the land and discover worlds of different culture, and cuisine, and wonder. I want to learn of all, experience all the magic that slips through into this world. I want to explore feeling, and emotion, and people, and art, and literature, and all manner of beauty. I want to discover. I want it all.