Capricious

68 - Slave to the System

"There's a rebel lying deep in my soul. Anytime anybody tells me the trend is such and such, I go the opposite direction. I hate the idea of trends. I hate imitation; I have a reverence for individuality."
- Clint Eastwood

Going out of my way to help others, for the pride that fuels my mirage of the perfect person, but this selfish selflessness often only seems to hurt myself, bleeding my character or my opportunities. Do I do it because I'm weak, or because I'm strong, when my conscience tells me different things? Soft heart in a ruthless world, still acting how I wish to be acted upon, my anxiety ridden hypocrisy learning all the while. Be who you are, just don't be a fool.

Those flirty girls, whose friendships so oft end with formality, that play upon desire, but ever seem far from reach. In their aura of superiority, yet belief less so, that's why I can be that way, the way they believe themselves to be, formality seems dishonest or pitying, a teasing flirty symbiosis. I adore such personalities, and they me, yet our souls do not suit, and so our relationships are intense but short pleasures, that haunt me so warmly for years to come.

Intoxicants simply allow souls that do not match to mingle as if they did, consequences left only for sober times. We just love intoxicating ourselves from reality.

High on life, that cloak of adrenaline that arises when things are just too perfect, when a flurry of beauty hits you from several dimensions, your heart buoys, every breath flows so deeply, it feels like flying, the calmest ecstasy, and you can't help but smile, and stroll along so large, as everybody checks you out.

From exquisite new tastes and smells, brilliant pieces of art, confronted by love on every side, busy all the way. It's controlled chaos, I know how to live, and I'm doing it so well. The sun with its delicate heat flowing about my skin, music streaming skin orgasms throughout as a ride the high, a perfect and original soundtrack to the moments that spread around me. I can only do this alone, back and forth, running through art and writing, family and friendship, with chance taken so recklessly and yet so well. For in this state, this state of glorious ecstasy, it's as if beauty is attracted to me, I notice more, discover more. I'm wise, I'm cool, I'm handsome, I'm gold.

When you notice rarer elements of your identity spread around, just that cute surprise of coincidence, and the pleasure of having not been the cause, knowing that parts of you exist out in the world, and that you're not alone in your delights.

With every escape from this system of control, guarded by nonsensical laws and social prejudice, inhibiting debt and closed-off exits, where any opportunity is merely an illusion. We have very little control in our lives.

It's all about experiences, that's all I want to live for, not material gain or masquerading fame. I want to experience everything, live every life possible, explore every world possible, and never stop discovering.

Never regret, never look at anything as if it's a waste of time or wrong or not as it should be. It's a learning experience, another opportunity, or some exercise at the very least.

Our deepest desires always controlled by what we do not or did not have, what we are missing or have missed, even when the achievement does not fill us with an ounce of contentment, still we chase, still we dream.

It's all about investing in yourself, not wasting away for no reward or someone else's tune, you should always be learning, improving, getting stronger, wiser, fitter, smarter, on the path to becoming the best you you can be, not sacrificing your soul for those that will only use and abuse you for their personal gain, and leave your soul crying in pain.

You have an idea of who you are, of how'd you act, then suddenly everything loses all reason, you act strange beyond your realisation, take risks so calamitous in nature, all because you fear you won't win her heart.

I fall in love with dreamers. I once fell in love with a girl who dreamed to dance, to take the stage and dazzle all before her. I once fell in love with a girl who dreamed to bake, to make and design and sell edible ecstasies. I once fell in love with a girl who dreamed to travel, to explore every inch of the world in every way. I wonder then if I only fall in love with dreams, and not those who dream so well, mere vessels to bear my deepest desires.

Struggling to be myself because I was always trying not to be who they didn't want me to be. And so I was no one.

Now a settled heart, comfortable living within her loving embrace, my rock sponsoring my dreams, letting my life flow faster through the jungles of my mind. And yet my body remains attracted to others too, not a fragile mind to forge false infatuations, but a longing just to taste a little bit more beauty. For I with all my rooting in the pillars of justice and empathy, still it is hard to see it as betrayal knowing my heart will not shift, if my body was to make advances into new territories. For how can I resist a realm of exquisite sexual delicacies, and betray my body to a single dish, however many ways it can be served? All the diverse passions, the relishing bodies, the range of styles, every partner special in their own way. It all doesn't quite make sense, perhaps I am living in a dream that should be no more than that, or perhaps my ideas really do lie at the spearpoint of progression. Why should I live by anyone's rules, but then again why do those rules exist in the first place? Has sex evolved beyond such limits, or not far enough? Ever naive, ever awaiting wisdom to guide my soul.

With creating something original, there is always going to be that accompaniment of failure, for success is never as simple as our daydreams make it sound. And the more difficult the aim, the more shrouded in uncertainty it is, the more likely failure should arise. But with every great creation there does come a stream of failure, otherwise progress would be so simple, and it is those too scared to fail that will never create anything, living their lives so easily yet so without meaning. It is those that have the courage to fail and get back up again that will through perseverance succeed, it is those people who can recognise their mistakes and work around them, it is those people that can really challenge the edges of our known world, and make their wildest dreams come true.